Come Back To Me

My dearest boy,
     I remember the day you were born. It was filled with so much uncertainty. I was so scared. My body wasn't prepared for you much less my life. Your delivery was filled with stress and in hindsight they should've taken you from my tiny 16 year old body instead of allowing you to receive some of the damage you did. Nevertheless you were perfect. You didn't give me much trouble in the beginning and thank goodness because I was new to this title of mother.
     As the years passed your symptoms became even more obvious than before, but no one could convince me of this as you were still perfect to me. When the symptoms persisted I had no choice but to begin a journey of medical treatment. You fought against it for over 10 years until as a teenager even you could no longer deny your "difference" from others. Finally you gave in to the next 2 years of treatment. We were beginning to get educated as a family and finally started to understand your vision of the world. But even after the next few years many things failed you including us as a family. The pure exhaustion took it's toll. The craziest thing is that if you had a visible illness such as leukemia or cancer, I wonder if we would've given in to that exhaustion or continue to persevere on your behalf. That is a question that will go unanswered as the time has already passed.
     Today you are in a position and age that I, as your mother, am limited in your care. I sit across from you and you are a mere shadow of the innocent, fun loving, talkative, naive and "fat boy" that we all knew you to be. Now your frame is frail and you sit empty in front of me. You are here physically but your mind has lost it's way. I wish I knew where you were. I wouldn't just wait on you, I'd come to you where you are in the forrest of your confusion and loneliness. When you feel the feather weight lightness of a subtle breeze or the rumble of extreme thunder, I pray that you feel my heartbeat. I pray that the ditches of darkness do not take a forever stronghold over you. I pray that I can reach you before you retreat. I pray that you see that glimmer of light within you and know that I too am there. Come back to me my dearest boy...come back to me. I am here, show me a way. I will not leave you. I am here. Come back to me. Your life is waiting for you to proclaim it. I do not fear what you will never be. I do not fear the views society places on one another towards you. I do not fear your perceived unsuccessfulness. I do not fear. I pray that you are filled with all the goodness and grace that creation has to offer in it's abundance. I love you, please don't leave us...we are here for you.

Come back my darling...loving you always, Mom!

   

My Buddy Rick Harralson

Oh what could I say that could describe this most awesome friend of mine. Not enough that's for sure. As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this past Friday, I'd seen a post made by one of my ex-coworkers and an amazing lady (Liz) that our friend Rick had passed away. I was immediately sadden. Nothing could stop the flow of tears. My princess gave me a hug and said "it's okay mommy don't cry".  I've known Rick since 2003 as we casually worked for the same company but in very different departments. Although I was not in the running for Hollywood's call, I would get asked from time to time to do some acting for clients. We did some work together on commercials (that never aired..haha) but he was always professional and polite.

In 2007 I had the opportunity to work with him in the same department. He was so excited that I was coming and he always made me feel special. I never understood what he saw in me since we didn't work side-by-side on a daily basis, but whatever it was, he was never afraid to let me know how talented and smart he thought I was. Now you see, I'm not naturally a "me, me, me" kind of person, but Rick somehow made it okay for me to appreciate my own strengths without feeling like I was boasting or being arrogant. It allowed me to recognize that I had things I could offer in life. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

As I was coming on board with the new position, Rick was returning as well from his leave of absence. He had been battling cancer and was on his way back to being healthy. His frame was small and frail, but his attitude and determination were large and full. I couldn't believe he was already back at work. We would talk about his recovery and when I shared my own health issues, he was very adamant about me seeing a doctor and getting on the proper meds for my esophagus. He had throat cancer and knew very well where my issues would lead me. So I heard him loud and clear and did as he had requested....plus each day he would ask if I had scheduled an appointment yet (haha-persistent guy).  I'm so glad I did. It saved me from allowing my own health to get away from me. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

Over the next two years we would work on various things together and we would share frustrations, laughs, family stories, coaching tales and whatever topic there was in that moment. He would either ask for help or show me a different way of doing a task. I loved sharing with him and he enjoyed sharing his knowledge as well. I was one of the first to see a "final cut" on a project and give input. He always wanted my input because he knew I wouldn't hold back..haha...plus I was nosey. He trusted me with that feedback. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

When there were times he or Tony (his partner in commercial crime) needed a voice over they would call me to the sound booth and we would do 100 takes. He was always patient. The laughter never ceased. I remember there was an occasion where he or Tony asked that I slow down my speed and I did so. It came out pretty seductive and he was like "Woooohhhh, now that's a voice...what kind of voice over are ya'll doing?".....WE LAUGHED SO HARD and he promised to help me become a 1-900 telephone operator since I told him it was one of my fantasy jobs...lol. Oh my gosh...that memory alone makes me smile to think of how much we couldn't get back on track that day. Our boss had no idea how much fun was going on in that sound proof room. Haha. I loved the laughs and for once again making me feel more than I felt for myself. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

I hated telling all of them bye when I left to a different company. I hated the sincere pain it left in my heart, but situations had changed with the company and there wasn't anything that any of us could do about it. I noticed that Rick was losing his zest for the company and how it was affecting him...but his treatment of me never changed. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

Awhile back I was informed that Rick's health had taken on another battle. That story is not up to me to share, but I will say I was afraid for him and scared that I wouldn't get a chance to share with him once again. I prayed (as many of us did) and he seemed to be healing. As time went on and as my own life took it's own course, I forgot about my buddy Rick and his struggles. It's not that I didn't think of him (because I did often), it's just that we get consumed in our own lives that we forget many times about the lives of others.

When I read Liz's post and as the tears came flowing down, I was so upset with myself for not keeping in contact. I beat myself up a little over this guilt and thought (as most of us do in situations like this)...I should have visited or called or SOMETHING! Now my opportunity is forever unfulfilled.....

But as I'm thinking this, my throat immediately starts burning and I KNEW....I knew it was Rick! In that moment I remembered all the things I mentioned in this post and then my heart began to heal those recent wounds of perceived loss. I realized that I didn't lose ANYTHING! In all the moments and in all the time that we shared...I had gained a forever friend. A friend with whom I shared some of the most silliest, respectful, uplifting, encouraging and unimportant memories....that have proven to be immeasurable in wealth. I realized that (after many other lessons in life have failed to completely teach me) that when we are given those moments with others....we shall serve ourselves and the other person to just be "in that moment" with them. Nothing further is EVER PROMISED...nothing further should EVER BE EXPECTED. Just that moment! It's all we have. Just that moment. So never let it pass you by...never let your own circumstances in life or attitude affect what could possibly be great in that moment. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

I love you my forever friend. Thank you for being a "good" part of my life and leaving a forever stamp of love on my soul! 

Making The Most of Moments

It's been a few weeks now and I've been busy with my every day life. There is nothing that is super special or even remotely exciting that would warrant a hiatus of non-posting except that I've just been spending time with my family. The moments shouldn't be exaggerated but they also shouldn't be down played. I love the time with my family. I won't sit here and pretend that every moment is joyful or worthy of praise, but nevertheless they are moments that I am building on and filing away in my memory drawer. I hope that these simple moments that I'm filing away are easily retrievable when the time comes that I no longer have the same dynamics in my home due to kids growing older, death, births, plans changing, living in a different space and just being in a different place in life altogether. I'm imagining lying in my bed as an elderly woman and still having the ability to reminisce even if my physical body isn't able to function in the manner that it does now. I want to be able to say that I took every advantage of the time that I had with my family. I cannot honestly say that I'm doing the best job, but I can say that I've recognized the need to do so and have acquired the desire to do so. It's really the only thing that matters. I do have to remind myself of this from time to time when I daze off in to my "fantasy world" where I'm dictating and controlling all parts of my life...haha...now that's definitely a fantasy.

Another truth to my hiatus is that I have been in constant agony of what I may possibly face in the future where there is an absence of my husband. There are many details that aren't important in this post, but his health is a constant concern. I've always felt like our time together was limited as we all should; just because that's the nature of life and of any relationship. Unfortunately, I've been plagued with this feeling since the beginning of our life together. I've felt the knowledge of the depth of this experience in life with him and also the limit in it's time. I won't elaborate now but it's most definitely one of the things my heart is struggling to fully accept. The fact that there may be a time that I will have to raise our children without his presence is a very sobering reality check. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that the only thing I can do is make the most of the time we have together. I cannot say for sure that his health will limit our future or if it may ironically be mine. Who really knows? In the end it doesn't matter because we could always get hit by a bus or get pneumonia and just like that it's over. Even with this perception I am doing my best to live each moment to it's fullest potential.

On another note, there is a mother's heartache for her boys that I'm trying to overcome. That's a different post.

Today's Reminder: Each moment is precious...take good notes, make the best decisions, leave nothing unsaid and take nothing for granted!

Exterminating The Excess

The house is almost silent. Im sitting on my bed staring into my half organized closet. I struggle with my own ADD (attention deficit disorder-undiagnosed, but I'm pretty darn sure)and I'm finding it a little challenging to stay on task. I'm sincerely trying to visualize what I'm going for with my closet makeover. I mean it's not like it's a major life event but then again the spaces in your environment do represent you and your overall spirit. More often than not I find myself in a cluttered world that I've created all on my own and desperately at some point trying to escape.  My mental/spiritual world is cluttered with thoughts, ideas, dreams, beliefs, etc and my home is cluttered with just stuff and even more stuff that I just dread going through. I've read so many books, columns, blogs, etc about how to "find a home" for your items so that there is no question on where something goes. Well that seems easy enough...but then again my ADD kicks in and it just becomes a challenge to keep up with. It's more the enthusiastic momentum that is a challenge to maintain. I don't always have the energy to put in an allotted 15 minutes for cleanup as suggested in all my reading material. I realize it's not much and I should be able to handle that, but I still find it difficult to muster up that energy to peel myself from my sitting space. I wouldn't dare even blame the energy excuse on my little ones because the truth is that I've always struggled with staying motivated. But as I'm coming into my own realization of how I would like my life to look and unfold in the future and to truly feel success that I must start somewhere. That somewhere for now in this moment lies with my closet.

The big question I'm asking myself is "What do you plan on gaining from this organized closet?". And quickly the answer is "simplicity". That is what I am aiming for in every facet of my life. I've made strides in other areas and that's the theme I want to permeate through my remaining days. So for this closet it must provide the organization where I can easily grab-n-go for a day's work, an outing, a quick change, etc. I forgot to mention that my closet also consists of the garments that belong to my midgets and they have taken over half the space and they are only 18 months and 2 1/2 years old. It's only going to get expanded over time...or will it? It's a good decently sized walk-in closet, but with basically 3 people sharing the space, it can be challenging to maintain a system.

I guess the next key question in all of this without going through this process step-by-step with you and bore you to tears would be "What is the most important thing to maintain in my life? Is it the simplicity that I claim I want or is it the standard of having things in excess to choose from?" I've done without a lot of things for the past 3-4 years and although at first it was an adjustment, I can honestly say that I've realized that I could care less about impressing others with what I have. So the answer would be to simplify to the bare bones and only keep what is necessary and a few things for pleasure...but never again will this closet be a dumping ground for things of EXCESS. We have more than needed and that is ENOUGH. Once I finish this closet makeover I hope to continue to gain that clarity within the different areas of my life and to be okay with what I have.

My approach doesn't seem too challenging and really it isn't. It's in the realization of where our truth lays within us that is more difficult to uncover and accept.  It's all a process and we have to begin with asking ourselves the harder questions even if we uncover some truth in our shallow ways that society has helped us accrue.

Closed Minded "Rightness"

As I've begun to delve into the differences of faith, religion, ways of thinking, ways of living, etc. I'm a little perplexed how others react when I make a comment or suggestion of a new way of looking at a subject of mass belief. I am in no way suggesting anyone change or conform to what I'm suggesting. Just like a new "born again Christian" gets on their soap box about how great Jesus is and is revved up to spread the good news to others, I myself can appreciate a new way of viewing something and want to share what I've discovered.  I have a real appreciation for those that can think outside of the norm or what was taught to them by their parents or through family traditions. I identify more with that category of people than I do with others that are perfectly content in living a life and passing down a life that was presented to them as truth and the only way. I am a seeker. Whether others see my need to seek as a discovery of truth or a journey through satan's botanical garden, I will entertain almost anything that hasn't been accepted on a mass scale, especially if it fits right with my soul. I'm not saying that I accept anything new or controversial as my own, but I am open to the ideas that others follow or their belief in things that I'm unfamiliar with or haven't been exposed to. I guess my frustration just really comes from those that say they are accepting of others and yet will immediately put up a stop sign to anything that doesn't jive with their own beliefs. If we as a human race and as Christians can stand and confirm on a consistent basis that we are followers of Christ then why do we find it so hard to truly accept others. We spend more time condemning and dispelling what we believe to be false or satan's work to fight goodness instead of just coming from a loving and graceful standing. I honestly don't get it. Everyone wants to be right, but if that's made to be true-then who is left to be wrong. With rightness comes wrong. We don't get to ultimately decide that so why do we try to practice judgement here on earth. Perplexed! It seems as though people are afraid that they will be "convinced" of what they don't truly believe in. I say stand by your beliefs without judging others and always trying to prove them wrong. WWJD? I never get a good answer when I ask this.

Dismissed

Looking back on the cycle of self-abuse that has been a major part of my life, I remember the times when I had to acknowledge the truth of the lack of love that the father of my children had for me.  It was another reminder that I was once again dismissed. Being dismissed as a human being is probably one of the worst feelings imaginable.  I was always dismissed as a child or at least that's how I perceived my reality.  I had been in a relationship for around 9 or 10 years at the time and there I was with three children, trying to understand the disabilities of my oldest, not having any friends to release my feelings to, no family that I really trusted and the one person whom I gave my whole heart to, was never available.  This song summed it up for me, or at least was one of a few that really captured my emotions during that period of time. The sad truth is that I would visit this feeling and situation many times throughout the years that we were together. It's amazing to me that my capacity to love another person has always been greater than the capacity I had to love myself. I've learned much since those days, but I'm by nature a nurturer and my tendencies haven't changed much.  I no longer apologize for this as I once used to view it as a weakness. I've just had to learn to cope and set healthy boundaries so that I never have to completely lose myself in another. It's not an easy thing for me, but I'm still learning.