Dayenu

With my attention in about ten separate directions at any given moment, I haven't been able to write as I would like these past few months. I feel trapped inside myself without my usual outlet of putting my thoughts down with pen and paper. So as I'm taking a quick moment to just read "something", I come across this article. It's perfect. It's me today!! I could've written it myself except for the fact that I'm still in transition...but it's still perfectly me. It's nice to read about "me" instead of writing about "me" even if it's in someone else's words. :)

This morning, I woke up with my blood boiling.

My heart was on fire. I’d had enough. Yesterday, I listened to yet another woman put herself on the back burner.

Let’s start reciting, Dayenu, now. Dayenu means enough. Enough is enough. It’s time to stop enslaving our hearts. It’s time we begin listening and acting accordingly.

I write a daily inspiration on my Facebook page, and this is what I wrote from my blazing heart to every woman on the planet:

Do you know what makes my heart hurt?

Listening to others tell me they are okay ignoring and neglecting what their heart is asking for, screaming for because they are scared of what will be, and terrified of leaving the comfort of the agonizing discomfort they are surviving in, day in and day out.

Yesterday was the last straw for me. I haven’t felt anger in a while, but it made me angry to hear yet another sister, bargain with herself. I sat across from a lovely, strong, complicated, self sufficient woman who turned to a puddle of weakness in front of me as she made excuses as to why she should remain unhappy, misunderstood, unappreciated and imprisoned by choice, in a life, with a partner who no longer fulfills nor desires to listen to the needs of her heart.

So, this morning when I woke up, I decided I’ve kept my mouth shut for long enough. I need to say this out loud—

I’ve listened to one too many women make excuses and attempt to rationalize why they remain in a life that’s violating their spirits and trampling their esteem.

I’ve been there, in that place, defending why I’m staying in an environment or with a person who has become a stranger to my soul.

I am fully aware that there is no amount of inspirational dialogue, support or encouragement that could have dragged me out of there. Nothing was going to change, until I was ready, and then, one day, it became unbearable—my heart, my body, my mind was searing with pain and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, but my misery. The distractions I created weren’t enough to squelch my burning needs, any longer.

I know this may be an extremely socially inappropriate example, but it helped me, and was an appropriate visual of my heart at the time.

I will never forget the images of September 11th, of the people who jumped from 100 stories high because the smoke and heat became intolerable. The only option was to leap. It came from a primal place, a protective place, to save themselves, even though death was their fate.

Death is the absolute.

We are all going to die. So, how do you choose to live? Even with death impending, you have a choice to live without the inflicted suffocation of containment in a life that will without a doubt destroy you, from the inside out—or you can fling yourself out of the window, into the open air and free of the destruction.

If you’re waiting for the right day, the right time, the right amount of money, the right age of your children to be, the right moment—it will never come. You are going to have to do it knowing you can’t go back. Trust.

Our world is in desperate need of all of us right now. We are being called to embrace our strengths and contribute to the world by doing our work.

Just remember, every single moment you remain coiled in a ball of fear, our world fractures just a little bit more because your heart is breaking, aching to be acknowledged, by you. Listen, and then take action.

Be brave. Save yourself, save the world.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/the-facebook-status-that-every-woman-should-read/

Faith Transforming

Maybe there's confusion on my faith. Maybe others feel as though its been taken...shaken...or it just never was. But that's a mistake in thought. Its not that my faith is no longer....it's that my faith has transformed. It does not consist of a man in a robe with a judgemental pen or even one of destiny. For me if you believe in that then at many times there are no winners or receivers of that coveted favor. Why is it necessary to put God in a box of ideas set up by man? I do not wish to be in this lot of idealizers. My faith is that love in its purest form can reach any crevice in the universe regardless of our perceived "right" outcome..that our suffering isn't in vain but for ultimate spiritual growth. This includes all suffering everywhere. Eternity is not playing in the clouds...eternity is part of the here and the now. Its all I consciously have. Why wait for greatness when greatness is at your fingertips through choice, action, love, compromise, etc. and is readily available in THIS life. Don't just plan for eternity...live it daily!

Giving It Away

It was over 4 1/2 years ago that my life took on one of it's changes of direction. I had recently come out of a loveless marriage of 4 years. My two oldest children were out of my home. It was just me and my little man Brian who was about 12 years old at the time and our time together was well spent. We enjoyed our day to day with no crazy drama or outside influence.  We were active in his baseball activities.  I cannot think of another time during my life when it was any more peaceful and filled with so much contentment. Then I heard this song and began praying. I prayed that my life would be used for whatever was necessary and in a way that was of service to God, Creation, the Universe, whatever you choose to call it. The words resignated in my soul. I cannot explain how they just took me over in a way that til this day is still unexplainable. I was just so deeply grateful for all the grace and love that I had received throughout my life. I had taken some time to look back over my days on earth and even with all the circumstances I had to overcome, I knew I was blessed. There were so many different people that were placed in my path to assist me in building a solid foundation within me. And there I was standing tall in the absolute knowledge of knowing that I was a child of the most high and I was loved from the depths of grace to the highest point of  abundance. Oh how whole I felt. How completely full I was. I continued to pray this song. And then I got the call...

Come Back To Me

My dearest boy,
     I remember the day you were born. It was filled with so much uncertainty. I was so scared. My body wasn't prepared for you much less my life. Your delivery was filled with stress and in hindsight they should've taken you from my tiny 16 year old body instead of allowing you to receive some of the damage you did. Nevertheless you were perfect. You didn't give me much trouble in the beginning and thank goodness because I was new to this title of mother.
     As the years passed your symptoms became even more obvious than before, but no one could convince me of this as you were still perfect to me. When the symptoms persisted I had no choice but to begin a journey of medical treatment. You fought against it for over 10 years until as a teenager even you could no longer deny your "difference" from others. Finally you gave in to the next 2 years of treatment. We were beginning to get educated as a family and finally started to understand your vision of the world. But even after the next few years many things failed you including us as a family. The pure exhaustion took it's toll. The craziest thing is that if you had a visible illness such as leukemia or cancer, I wonder if we would've given in to that exhaustion or continue to persevere on your behalf. That is a question that will go unanswered as the time has already passed.
     Today you are in a position and age that I, as your mother, am limited in your care. I sit across from you and you are a mere shadow of the innocent, fun loving, talkative, naive and "fat boy" that we all knew you to be. Now your frame is frail and you sit empty in front of me. You are here physically but your mind has lost it's way. I wish I knew where you were. I wouldn't just wait on you, I'd come to you where you are in the forrest of your confusion and loneliness. When you feel the feather weight lightness of a subtle breeze or the rumble of extreme thunder, I pray that you feel my heartbeat. I pray that the ditches of darkness do not take a forever stronghold over you. I pray that I can reach you before you retreat. I pray that you see that glimmer of light within you and know that I too am there. Come back to me my dearest boy...come back to me. I am here, show me a way. I will not leave you. I am here. Come back to me. Your life is waiting for you to proclaim it. I do not fear what you will never be. I do not fear the views society places on one another towards you. I do not fear your perceived unsuccessfulness. I do not fear. I pray that you are filled with all the goodness and grace that creation has to offer in it's abundance. I love you, please don't leave us...we are here for you.

Come back my darling...loving you always, Mom!

   

My Buddy Rick Harralson

Oh what could I say that could describe this most awesome friend of mine. Not enough that's for sure. As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this past Friday, I'd seen a post made by one of my ex-coworkers and an amazing lady (Liz) that our friend Rick had passed away. I was immediately sadden. Nothing could stop the flow of tears. My princess gave me a hug and said "it's okay mommy don't cry".  I've known Rick since 2003 as we casually worked for the same company but in very different departments. Although I was not in the running for Hollywood's call, I would get asked from time to time to do some acting for clients. We did some work together on commercials (that never aired..haha) but he was always professional and polite.

In 2007 I had the opportunity to work with him in the same department. He was so excited that I was coming and he always made me feel special. I never understood what he saw in me since we didn't work side-by-side on a daily basis, but whatever it was, he was never afraid to let me know how talented and smart he thought I was. Now you see, I'm not naturally a "me, me, me" kind of person, but Rick somehow made it okay for me to appreciate my own strengths without feeling like I was boasting or being arrogant. It allowed me to recognize that I had things I could offer in life. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

As I was coming on board with the new position, Rick was returning as well from his leave of absence. He had been battling cancer and was on his way back to being healthy. His frame was small and frail, but his attitude and determination were large and full. I couldn't believe he was already back at work. We would talk about his recovery and when I shared my own health issues, he was very adamant about me seeing a doctor and getting on the proper meds for my esophagus. He had throat cancer and knew very well where my issues would lead me. So I heard him loud and clear and did as he had requested....plus each day he would ask if I had scheduled an appointment yet (haha-persistent guy).  I'm so glad I did. It saved me from allowing my own health to get away from me. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

Over the next two years we would work on various things together and we would share frustrations, laughs, family stories, coaching tales and whatever topic there was in that moment. He would either ask for help or show me a different way of doing a task. I loved sharing with him and he enjoyed sharing his knowledge as well. I was one of the first to see a "final cut" on a project and give input. He always wanted my input because he knew I wouldn't hold back..haha...plus I was nosey. He trusted me with that feedback. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

When there were times he or Tony (his partner in commercial crime) needed a voice over they would call me to the sound booth and we would do 100 takes. He was always patient. The laughter never ceased. I remember there was an occasion where he or Tony asked that I slow down my speed and I did so. It came out pretty seductive and he was like "Woooohhhh, now that's a voice...what kind of voice over are ya'll doing?".....WE LAUGHED SO HARD and he promised to help me become a 1-900 telephone operator since I told him it was one of my fantasy jobs...lol. Oh my gosh...that memory alone makes me smile to think of how much we couldn't get back on track that day. Our boss had no idea how much fun was going on in that sound proof room. Haha. I loved the laughs and for once again making me feel more than I felt for myself. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

I hated telling all of them bye when I left to a different company. I hated the sincere pain it left in my heart, but situations had changed with the company and there wasn't anything that any of us could do about it. I noticed that Rick was losing his zest for the company and how it was affecting him...but his treatment of me never changed. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

Awhile back I was informed that Rick's health had taken on another battle. That story is not up to me to share, but I will say I was afraid for him and scared that I wouldn't get a chance to share with him once again. I prayed (as many of us did) and he seemed to be healing. As time went on and as my own life took it's own course, I forgot about my buddy Rick and his struggles. It's not that I didn't think of him (because I did often), it's just that we get consumed in our own lives that we forget many times about the lives of others.

When I read Liz's post and as the tears came flowing down, I was so upset with myself for not keeping in contact. I beat myself up a little over this guilt and thought (as most of us do in situations like this)...I should have visited or called or SOMETHING! Now my opportunity is forever unfulfilled.....

But as I'm thinking this, my throat immediately starts burning and I KNEW....I knew it was Rick! In that moment I remembered all the things I mentioned in this post and then my heart began to heal those recent wounds of perceived loss. I realized that I didn't lose ANYTHING! In all the moments and in all the time that we shared...I had gained a forever friend. A friend with whom I shared some of the most silliest, respectful, uplifting, encouraging and unimportant memories....that have proven to be immeasurable in wealth. I realized that (after many other lessons in life have failed to completely teach me) that when we are given those moments with others....we shall serve ourselves and the other person to just be "in that moment" with them. Nothing further is EVER PROMISED...nothing further should EVER BE EXPECTED. Just that moment! It's all we have. Just that moment. So never let it pass you by...never let your own circumstances in life or attitude affect what could possibly be great in that moment. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

I love you my forever friend. Thank you for being a "good" part of my life and leaving a forever stamp of love on my soul! 

Making The Most of Moments

It's been a few weeks now and I've been busy with my every day life. There is nothing that is super special or even remotely exciting that would warrant a hiatus of non-posting except that I've just been spending time with my family. The moments shouldn't be exaggerated but they also shouldn't be down played. I love the time with my family. I won't sit here and pretend that every moment is joyful or worthy of praise, but nevertheless they are moments that I am building on and filing away in my memory drawer. I hope that these simple moments that I'm filing away are easily retrievable when the time comes that I no longer have the same dynamics in my home due to kids growing older, death, births, plans changing, living in a different space and just being in a different place in life altogether. I'm imagining lying in my bed as an elderly woman and still having the ability to reminisce even if my physical body isn't able to function in the manner that it does now. I want to be able to say that I took every advantage of the time that I had with my family. I cannot honestly say that I'm doing the best job, but I can say that I've recognized the need to do so and have acquired the desire to do so. It's really the only thing that matters. I do have to remind myself of this from time to time when I daze off in to my "fantasy world" where I'm dictating and controlling all parts of my life...haha...now that's definitely a fantasy.

Another truth to my hiatus is that I have been in constant agony of what I may possibly face in the future where there is an absence of my husband. There are many details that aren't important in this post, but his health is a constant concern. I've always felt like our time together was limited as we all should; just because that's the nature of life and of any relationship. Unfortunately, I've been plagued with this feeling since the beginning of our life together. I've felt the knowledge of the depth of this experience in life with him and also the limit in it's time. I won't elaborate now but it's most definitely one of the things my heart is struggling to fully accept. The fact that there may be a time that I will have to raise our children without his presence is a very sobering reality check. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that the only thing I can do is make the most of the time we have together. I cannot say for sure that his health will limit our future or if it may ironically be mine. Who really knows? In the end it doesn't matter because we could always get hit by a bus or get pneumonia and just like that it's over. Even with this perception I am doing my best to live each moment to it's fullest potential.

On another note, there is a mother's heartache for her boys that I'm trying to overcome. That's a different post.

Today's Reminder: Each moment is precious...take good notes, make the best decisions, leave nothing unsaid and take nothing for granted!