Happy Birthday Anthony-You’ve given me so many lessons in life! Who could’ve known?

 June 9th 2022- Today marks 31 years that this soul Anthony Perez gave me the label of mom for the very first time! Being 16 years old and naive to the world, thinking it would lovingly embrace me and my son holding us safely in its arms…I was never prepared for all its heartache and simple joys. Mental illness has played its role since day one but that’s not a topic that’s included in any of the parenting books or even in the passed down wisdom from elders or pediatric professionals. It’s like being excited on Christmas morning when you unwrap your Xbox but it turns out that it’s a pack of socks. Although you are grateful; you are never truly prepared for that unraveling. 

The last 10 years in Anthony’s care has been the hardest and those close to us know a small piece of its struggles. I may be steadfast in my optimism and positivity in the fact that we will persevere as a family but very few understand the gripping on your heart, the disappointments, the failures, the trauma or the true despair that come from its utter deception. 

I look back on his life and can see all the missteps I made along the way. What did I really know about life much less parenting a special needs child? This kid didn’t have the luxury of his father being an active part of his life. The various individuals that took the position of being a male role model failed him in one way or another. There was never any consistency even with close family members. I don’t blame anyone for those failures  but having those bonds are imperative in every child’s life.

As a child he was different. We went through the phone calls from school, the outbursts, the infant behaviors, getting suspended starting in first grade, seeing psychiatrists and therapists, getting an ADHD diagnosis, then a bipolar one. He grew rebellious and suicidal. He had begun inpatient care at 5 different residential treatment centers over a 2 year period. His diagnosis kept getting longer and longer. As much as you don’t want “another issue” to deal with; you get a little hopeful in thinking that at least there’s a name and a treatment plan…ignorantly you believe this. 

As he grew into his teens and thought he knew better (as they do) he got involved with a bad bunch. After an argument with me - he left and said he was spending the night with a friend. Being exhausted from all his mood swings, I thought that this would give us both a break. Instead he was kidnapped by these said friends for several days. They beat him to the point where his skin color was solid black with spots of purple from the bruising. He was able to escape the room he was being held in and came knocking on the front door. It was one of the first times he saw me as his support but also didn’t think he deserved to just walk back in his home. His tears from the physical and emotional abuse broke my heart and pissed me off. After filing charges against these kids, I knew then that I couldn’t just leave him to his own decision making. Although I’d been fighting for his care and well being; I knew that there will be more future outside influences that I couldn’t control. It’s truly an evil world. Anthony was older but still very naive and would forever need a caregiver in some form or fashion. 

Because we had a fight and he wasn’t doing well in school he was sent to juvenile and placed on probation. This eventually led to him being placed at the Texas Youth Commission for a year. They took him off all his meds that took us years to get “right” because they didn’t feel like he needed them. This set back caused so much more damage in his care. We literally had to start over. During one of our first visits his entire face was busted up with bruises, bloodshot eyes and his lips were so swollen he couldn’t eat. The staff pretended as though there wasn’t an incident or reason to be concerned. I just sat there and cried. He learned about and attempted to join a gang while there so I wasn’t allowed to cry and bring attention to him otherwise he’d pay for it after I left. Myself and other parents fought to get reform and to get our kids out as other TYCs in Texas were being closed for abuse. 

Once he was released he was fairly able to stay stable in taking his meds and working for a temp service from time to time. Some years had passed with many adventures but he had maintained a level head. I thought maybe this is the stage where “he grows out of it”. I was wrong.

He turned 18 years old and I no longer had the legal power to make him compliant with his meds.  He started self medicating and tried using cocaine. He was caught with cocaine residue and eventually sent to prison for 6 years. I know drug dealers who have done less time and I began learning how the judicial system isn’t actually filled with justice. But I won’t go down that long road.

He again faced abuse in prison. This abuse is very different and traumatic on another level. His nose was broke within the first few weeks because he sat with his cell mate that was black. If you think America has a racist problem then the prison life will leave you disgusted. Inmates run the prisons and because Anthony is what they consider a crash dummy he took all sorts of abuse. It was torture. He suffered concussions, malnourishment, stripping him of his dignity, taking his commissary, passing around his letters, threatening his family, trying to extort money from me and the list goes on. They convinced him he was in prison for pedophilia. It took us years to convince him he wasn’t. After fighting like hell and by the great fortune of having good people on the inside we were able to get him transferred to a psychiatric unit. He had been moved several times before and ended up in a max prison because his mind had deteriorated so bad that he was classified as an aggressor and was now serving time with the foulest inmates. He was fighting for his life in there. He weighed 240 pounds going in and was released at 135 pounds.

After 5 years he was released with one year left to do on probation. It was a hard transition. All the depressive visits over the 5 years didn’t prepare us for what was left of him. He was now diagnosed with SchizoAffective Disorder then Schizophrenia and doctors agreeing he was possibly autistic this entire time but at this stage in his life it didn’t matter because of the trauma he endured. I still believe he also suffered traumatic brain injury from all the beatings in prison that caused multiple concussions and loss of consciousness on many occasions. He had become so unfamiliar to all of us. We would literally track his every move and go on searches for hours when he’d go missing. He’d walk all around Waco for hours in 104 degree weather with a hoodie on and then walk in the rain or cold with just a t-shirt and shorts on. 

He started shoplifting pencils and pens because he was getting confused that it was his commissary in prison. He’d write letters every single day to me, Kourtney/Khloe Kardashian, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc. I still have about 300 of those letters. His mind was and remains fragmented. He even told me once he was defragmenting like a computer. 

We tried keeping a schedule and involving him in events but he started regressing and isolating. We tried changing his meds again because that just never stops. You are always tweaking the regimen in mental health. The voices, the paranoid thoughts and phantom smells started taking him over.

We had several events and many calls to 911 that led up to a day he was in full psychosis. After a non-eventful day, we had tacos for dinner and afterward he walked into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and assaulted Eric….there was no warning…no build-up…no nothing! He ran out of the house and after the chaos of getting Eric to the hospital and calling every place we thought he could go so they wouldn’t engage with him….we found him. He was calm and collected. When the police showed up he thought they found out about the pens and pencils he took from Walmart previously. Absolutely no recall…..even to this day he thinks he’s in trouble for shoplifting. 

This house has been torn apart! From a son losing his senses and freedom -to a husband almost losing his life - to traumatized children who witnessed it all -to family on both sides not knowing what to say or do to support the madness. 

Life stopped for me that day! There’s isn’t  enough air in this world that will ever give me my life back. Trying to explain the juggling of supporting and caring for a spouse who’s been violated in one of the most traumatic ways to continuing to love and fight for a son that of no fault of his own deteriorates from an illness that many people still mock or disbelieve…..never mind the fact that there are other children to raise, trying to continue to grow in your career, aging parents who call on you for care….then witnessing the world that continues to celebrate birthdays, weddings, quinces, baby showers, graduations, BBQ’s, holidays, etc. and then family or friends wanting to vent about their shallow issues. I couldn’t have cared less!! My soul was numb. 

You quickly learn how much the world around you doesn’t stop or care about your despair.

Luckily the demands of work kept me hyper focused that allowed me to function with that numbness. Then Covid happened! It was a blessing for me in the sense that the world finally matched what I was feeling. Everything shut down…no outings…no celebrations…worry and anxiety for loved ones health. It was exactly what I had been feeling and now I was finally not alone. I wish Covid on no one as many lives were lost within my own extended family and many friends! 

But during the shutdowns, it gave me the time I needed where life didn’t continue as usual around me. It allowed me to let parts of my soul die without desiring to retrieve them. I began learning to let them go…I’m still learning. Although we still try to maintain some form of normalcy in this household by going on vacation and doing a few celebrations here and there….I’ve mostly given up on the idea of being involved with many things. I’ve finally given myself permission to say no and not feel guilty for not spending time with others. I honestly wish it were different because I miss certain events or people but it’s where I am today…and it’s more than sufficient. 

As broken as our family has been we are still absolutely blessed. This world is filled with devastation that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It continues to put things in perspective. 

After 2 1/2 years (because of Covid) me and my big baby girl Sirena Ariana were finally able to see and hug on my boy. We took him some cupcakes to celebrate his birthday that he usually doesn’t remember. He looked healthy and was able to hold a small conversation with us. He even laughed a few times! 😊 We haven’t had that from him in years. It was a good day! His future is unknown but I have to lift him up and trust that he’s in the Lord’s hands and grace! 

If you made it this far then I vulnerably share all of this to say…

Never judge a situation or person. Learn their full story.

Everyone is in a battle in some form ..minor or major.

Mental health must be made a priority.

Every life is unique.

Each moment we are given is a continued opportunity to move forward.

Love on others.

Take care of those you love and don’t give up on them.

Be of service where there’s a need.

Check on your “strong” friends….we hurt more than you know. Some of my most “happiest” and smiling days were actually my saddest. 

Be ridiculous for the right reasons. Never turn down a good laugh! 

Give grace.

Don’t be afraid to say “no”….protect your time, energy and mental health.

When you do say “yes”…be in the moment…embrace and enjoy it!

Little moments do matter.

Don’t compare….period! My life is far from ideal but there are still some that will only see the ideal and compare themselves to it….don’t because my life is not to be coveted….no one’s is!

Having humility and releasing yourself of shame or guilt is the greatest gift you can give yourself!

Nothing material in this world will bring you the contentment and peace you seek as much as trusting in the Lord!

After everything has been taken from you, even your mind….Love Remains!

#AnthonyRene #MentalIllness #Schizophrenia #LovingWhatIs

I Am Enough? You Are More!

Affirmations have played a role in my life. They've lifted me up from the dirt in those moments of my own self loathing. Although I no longer utilize them the way I once did; I can appreciate those who practice the practice of affirming for themselves.

In saying that, I've noticed the I AM ENOUGH campaign that has hit our society. I see it on clothing, mugs, stickers, banners, posts, articles, etc. Just those three words. I AM ENOUGH.

Initially I thought...I'm in agreement. I am enough. Point blank - period. But it has me wondering if that's enough. I understand the need for those words in a society where there is much abuse and hatred. Whether we've endured it for ourselves or if we are the offender of the ugliness. We are raising future generations of discontent, malice, fear, abused, ill-mannered, disrespectful people. It's no wonder we are broken. We spend more time tearing eachother down instead of building upon the layers.

So yes I understand the need for those affirming words for someone's soul. It can be powerful. It is supposed to be. But then what? Do we stop there? Do we affirm ourselves to a higher podium within - that only we can see or do we move to the next level?

The truth is WE ARE MORE. We are more than what we've been conditioned to believe. Life has altered the clarity of our abilities. When quadraplegics run more miles than me, a parent whose lost a child can still smile or when the less financially secured provide more to others than I do....then there is no excuse. Even without these references; there's no excuse.

I can recall as a child being told "You can do and be anything you put your mind to". Do you remember that? I say it to my own children because I believe it still. I struggle at times with my own circumstances. I don't always do my best in pulling myself out of the heaviness of it all.

The fact of life is that we all have struggles. We were not promised a life without them. Let us not let those struggles define us or our ability to be more. Affirm if you must. But once you're awareness is awoken to the truth of who God made you to be...then understand YOU ARE MORE.

There is a requirement on each of our lives to be more in whatever capacity that is ours.

I pray that the glory of God comes alive in each of us and is magnified.

You are enough. You are also so much more!

#MoreThanEnough #Magnify

Aunt Sarah and Uncle Lewis

Aunt Sarah and Uncle Lewis. Coupled. That's the only way I've known them... coupled as one. These days we like to combine names to identify those couples we are supposed to be enamored with because Hollywood says so. We had Bennifer, Brangelina and many others. I wonder what combo name we should've given them because they are most definitely a combination to be admired. Saralew? Lewrah? Haha.

In all the years of my life; I've 95% of the time referred to them as AuntSarahAndUncleLewis as one whole name because they were rarely without the other. Just as one instead of two separate individuals. Aunt Sarah And Uncle Lewis.

The thought of marriage and the belief that you become as one could sometimes make the independent part of me uneasy. But I remembered a poem that eloquently describes dying into something as a transformation instead of the permanence of it's ending as we've been conditioned to believe. In John 12:24 it says "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." I believe this is the basis of what we've come to know and love about Aunt Sarah And Uncle Lewis. They died into one another many years ago creating a life that has and continues to bear fruit with their legacy of love and the mere mention of Aunt Sarah And Uncle Lewis.

My earliest memories are of going to the country to Aunt Sarah And Uncle Lewis' farm. Oh how exciting that whole experience was. The cousins would ride in the back of grandpas truck fighting to sit on the edge and feel all the pricklies of the fierce wind that came with his over-the-speed limit driving. Once we saw the dirt road we knew we were getting closer. It was a build up of excitement to get there. Once there, we would be greeted by our three fostered cousins. I was always curious about the how and why they were a part of our family. No one else had this dynamic and it made Aunt Sarah And Uncle Lewis that much more unique and special to me as a young child. To love and care for children who didn't come from your body...what an amazing gift. I watched enough Little House on the Prairie to know it was a beautiful thing. Our cousins were crazy, hyper and funny except Rosie. She was a sweet spirit. I always thought she had to for sure be their biological child because that's how they were...a loving sweet couple. Always smiling, kind, never mean or loud when any of us were misbehaving. But then it all changed during one visit.

Uncle Lewis was showing me around to all the animals but with a chuckle said "they dont have names" after I had asked. I didn't understand. In his raspy sweet voice he says "it's because we will eat them". Oh the pain in my young heart. Uncle Lewis doing his best to explain bacon and hamburgers was now the meanest man on the planet. I still remember him asking Aunt Sarah to explain it to me. Who are these people? They were just my most loving aunt and uncle and now they are killers. Haha. But their spirits are so genuine and pure that I forgave them quickly but I wasn't interested in visiting their breakfast and dinner anymore...haha.

I remember I didn't see my Perez family much but I could always walk into HEB and get quickly reminded of my family. Nine out of ten times Uncle Lewis would be right around the corner with a huge grin. In my young mind he was Mr. HEB. I was pretty sure he was the man in charge over everything because he just looked important or maybe it's because he was important to me. He was the one family member I could be sure to run into on a regular basis and those small frequent encounters meant so much to a little girl who didnt spend much time with that side of the family as a child.

The other opportunity was at the Flea Market. I'd get my full dose of Aunt Sarah And Uncle Lewis as well as grandma and grandpa. These four people together were nothing short of love and laughter. Grandpa pretending he was in charge while grandma reminded him he wasn't and the Salazars always having something to smile about while offering a prayer if things were tough in your own life. 

Aunt Sarah and Uncle Lewis were the epitome of Christianity. They walked the walk. They never pushed their beliefs on anyone. They just led by example day in and day out. They were and are a faithful family. They always put God first which shined throughout their life together.

Marriage isn't easy no matter how many years you put on the books but they made it known that love was real. Their simplistic style and quiet honor for eachother was and is very loud. I don't know if either of them know how much their relationship was admired by others. You have Aunt Sarah, who although is loving and kind, can be a little crazy and energetic. You have Uncle Lewis, who although didn't always say much or slept through conversations, could be full of jokes, sarcasm, a willingness to be embarrassed and an all around funny guy. Their existence didn't appear grand in the noisy world we live in but they were quietly loud in all they did.

Their marriage is solid. I don't remember a time when they didn't part ways lovingly even if going to the store. I cannot think of an argument ever witnessed between them...it was always a seemless compromise between the two. They did their best with their fostered children before having two of their own. I remember our entire family being so excited for little Luis' arrival...then BAM...another one...my Sasa...Samantha Salazar. Their family was/is blessed as are we that have had the opportunity to witness their journey.

They are the reminder of what God's love is. It's pure, disciplined, intentional, forgiving, gracious, faithful and abundant no matter the circumstance. They are giants; not in size but in action. They have been living and leaving a legacy for each of us who know and love them.

It is with great sadness that their time on earth as one has come to pass but we know this earthly death is just another transformation.

Aunt Sarah And Uncle Lewis may no longer appear the same in the days/years ahead but their example is forever embedded for generations to come. I pray that Aunt Sarah, lil Luis and Sam are comforted by all the beautiful memories without any regret. He wouldn't want it any other way.

We will miss his ease, his soft raspy voice, his midget pregnant wobble walk (haha-my opinion anyway), him falling asleep even when the entire crew in the house is loud and his silliest of moments. We will miss his young at heart attitude and all around loving sweet soul. He was and is an amazing gift that we are honored to have been given.

Fly high Uncle Lewis, we are lesser without you but greater for knowing you. We will forever celebrate all that you are! 

Reflections of Change

Reflecting on co-worker retirements, family relationships, my son’s constant change with the stability of his mind, the economy, our freedoms, religion’s hold on unsuspecting souls, world history, conversations, everything really…

Ever get tired of the “Change Is Good” proclamation? I know I have. In my opinion change is not necessarily good or bad…just inevitable.

Life is full of experiences. We grow physically, mentally and spiritually. We gain-we lose.  We enjoy-we are disappointed.  We create-we destroy. We attain-we give away. The list goes on.

Many times when I would hear the “change is good” speech; I would stop and try to convince myself that it is in fact true.  I tend to analyze these types of proclamations because they don’t feel genuine in spirit or truth. It seems to be a reflex response in our society today.  I believe the underlying intent of whoever is making the statement is to lessen the discomfort of the loss of “what once was”.  It’s easier and feels better to give a good ‘ole pat on the back with that line instead of saying “damn this sucks” or “sorry for your situation”.  On the surface it appears to alleviate any raw pain that comes with the perceived loss. I say perceived because nothing is ours to begin with…another time/another post. ☺

The truth is that change is inevitable. There is absolutely no way around that. Our world is structured so that there is nothing of permanence.  NO-THING.  Every creation under the sun is designed for natural and unnatural alteration. Nothing remains the same. We are in constant change.

So in those moments of reflection of “what once was”, we have to be clear and cognizant of “what IS”….NOW.

Right now in this very moment is all we truthfully have. Unfortunately we live in such a fast paced regretful world; that we are either always looking toward the future for empty promises or remembering the past (good/bad and sometimes both).

I’ve come to the conclusion that “change” by design is imperative. We can be an ungrateful and complacent species. Change is that constant reminder that NO-THING is of permanence - requiring us to stay in a grateful spirit if we are to truly appreciate the many gifts life offers us. We tend to appreciate the things that “no longer are” because we have the knowledge that our perceived possession of them no longer exist.

Remember it’s the NOW…Be in it at all times. Love, appreciate, celebrate and live from where you stand, not from a THEN or THERE…but from the HERE.  It will save you from the sorrow of regret. We will all experience the pain of change, but knowing you were in it when “it was” saves you the regret of the perceived loss. No-thing is for us to keep…it’s all to be honored, celebrated and loved when “it is”.

The Challenge

These past few years have been a time that my awareness of self has increased tremendously and the ideas/beliefs that have conditioned both my internal and external world are no longer viable for what I desire next.  I have set some priorities and will be editing my life as a whole along the way. As I continue this path that I've chosen for personal growth, I have decided to challenge myself in various parts of my life. One is social media. I am by nature a social butterfly ;) however the greater part of me expands in solitude.  I’ve come to realize how much and how strong social media has an impact on each one of us….good and not so great. This is not news…we all know this to be true; however my desire to “keep in touch” and to be “in the know” has drastically changed. I choose to live with specific intention and with purpose. I do not want my days wasted on the mundane and unnecessary. My existence is dependent on growth and not stagnation or mediocrity. Our time is limited…and that’s not a negative…it’s just a fact…in physical human form anyway. So my challenge to self (for social media) is to eliminate anything that does not serve me or that I do not have a place in. This is no indication of anyone’s value to me in the past or present. It is only an awareness (for myself and to myself) that it is not necessary to extend myself or make myself available to everyone “just because”. I value my family and friends…but I also must value this journey that I’m embarking called Life.

I will be deleting every single friend. Yes EVERYONE! My challenge is to invite INDIVIDUALLY those that have played a role or continue to play a role in my world as it pertains to my goals in life.  That may sound easy….the key is that I have made it a requirement that I have to reach out to whomever individually and explain my desire to have an “FB friendship”.  This will be hard for me, but ultimately it requires actual thought and contemplation on the “WHY” do I want to be friends and “HOW” does it serve in the greater scheme of things.  This process will take quite a bit of time and I’m short on time daily, so I may be friendless for a while… haha. I only make this announcement so that I am accountable. Many times we do things and there is no one or no procedure to keep us accountable.  This post is mine!


#ChallengeYourself #IntentionalLiving #AllShadesG #Defragmentation2016

Dayenu

With my attention in about ten separate directions at any given moment, I haven't been able to write as I would like these past few months. I feel trapped inside myself without my usual outlet of putting my thoughts down with pen and paper. So as I'm taking a quick moment to just read "something", I come across this article. It's perfect. It's me today!! I could've written it myself except for the fact that I'm still in transition...but it's still perfectly me. It's nice to read about "me" instead of writing about "me" even if it's in someone else's words. :)

This morning, I woke up with my blood boiling.

My heart was on fire. I’d had enough. Yesterday, I listened to yet another woman put herself on the back burner.

Let’s start reciting, Dayenu, now. Dayenu means enough. Enough is enough. It’s time to stop enslaving our hearts. It’s time we begin listening and acting accordingly.

I write a daily inspiration on my Facebook page, and this is what I wrote from my blazing heart to every woman on the planet:

Do you know what makes my heart hurt?

Listening to others tell me they are okay ignoring and neglecting what their heart is asking for, screaming for because they are scared of what will be, and terrified of leaving the comfort of the agonizing discomfort they are surviving in, day in and day out.

Yesterday was the last straw for me. I haven’t felt anger in a while, but it made me angry to hear yet another sister, bargain with herself. I sat across from a lovely, strong, complicated, self sufficient woman who turned to a puddle of weakness in front of me as she made excuses as to why she should remain unhappy, misunderstood, unappreciated and imprisoned by choice, in a life, with a partner who no longer fulfills nor desires to listen to the needs of her heart.

So, this morning when I woke up, I decided I’ve kept my mouth shut for long enough. I need to say this out loud—

I’ve listened to one too many women make excuses and attempt to rationalize why they remain in a life that’s violating their spirits and trampling their esteem.

I’ve been there, in that place, defending why I’m staying in an environment or with a person who has become a stranger to my soul.

I am fully aware that there is no amount of inspirational dialogue, support or encouragement that could have dragged me out of there. Nothing was going to change, until I was ready, and then, one day, it became unbearable—my heart, my body, my mind was searing with pain and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, but my misery. The distractions I created weren’t enough to squelch my burning needs, any longer.

I know this may be an extremely socially inappropriate example, but it helped me, and was an appropriate visual of my heart at the time.

I will never forget the images of September 11th, of the people who jumped from 100 stories high because the smoke and heat became intolerable. The only option was to leap. It came from a primal place, a protective place, to save themselves, even though death was their fate.

Death is the absolute.

We are all going to die. So, how do you choose to live? Even with death impending, you have a choice to live without the inflicted suffocation of containment in a life that will without a doubt destroy you, from the inside out—or you can fling yourself out of the window, into the open air and free of the destruction.

If you’re waiting for the right day, the right time, the right amount of money, the right age of your children to be, the right moment—it will never come. You are going to have to do it knowing you can’t go back. Trust.

Our world is in desperate need of all of us right now. We are being called to embrace our strengths and contribute to the world by doing our work.

Just remember, every single moment you remain coiled in a ball of fear, our world fractures just a little bit more because your heart is breaking, aching to be acknowledged, by you. Listen, and then take action.

Be brave. Save yourself, save the world.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/02/the-facebook-status-that-every-woman-should-read/