Thursday, February 20, 2014

Exterminating The Excess

The house is almost silent. Im sitting on my bed staring into my half organized closet. I struggle with my own ADD (attention deficit disorder-undiagnosed, but I'm pretty darn sure)and I'm finding it a little challenging to stay on task. I'm sincerely trying to visualize what I'm going for with my closet makeover. I mean it's not like it's a major life event but then again the spaces in your environment do represent you and your overall spirit. More often than not I find myself in a cluttered world that I've created all on my own and desperately at some point trying to escape.  My mental/spiritual world is cluttered with thoughts, ideas, dreams, beliefs, etc and my home is cluttered with just stuff and even more stuff that I just dread going through. I've read so many books, columns, blogs, etc about how to "find a home" for your items so that there is no question on where something goes. Well that seems easy enough...but then again my ADD kicks in and it just becomes a challenge to keep up with. It's more the enthusiastic momentum that is a challenge to maintain. I don't always have the energy to put in an allotted 15 minutes for cleanup as suggested in all my reading material. I realize it's not much and I should be able to handle that, but I still find it difficult to muster up that energy to peel myself from my sitting space. I wouldn't dare even blame the energy excuse on my little ones because the truth is that I've always struggled with staying motivated. But as I'm coming into my own realization of how I would like my life to look and unfold in the future and to truly feel success that I must start somewhere. That somewhere for now in this moment lies with my closet.

The big question I'm asking myself is "What do you plan on gaining from this organized closet?". And quickly the answer is "simplicity". That is what I am aiming for in every facet of my life. I've made strides in other areas and that's the theme I want to permeate through my remaining days. So for this closet it must provide the organization where I can easily grab-n-go for a day's work, an outing, a quick change, etc. I forgot to mention that my closet also consists of the garments that belong to my midgets and they have taken over half the space and they are only 18 months and 2 1/2 years old. It's only going to get expanded over time...or will it? It's a good decently sized walk-in closet, but with basically 3 people sharing the space, it can be challenging to maintain a system.

I guess the next key question in all of this without going through this process step-by-step with you and bore you to tears would be "What is the most important thing to maintain in my life? Is it the simplicity that I claim I want or is it the standard of having things in excess to choose from?" I've done without a lot of things for the past 3-4 years and although at first it was an adjustment, I can honestly say that I've realized that I could care less about impressing others with what I have. So the answer would be to simplify to the bare bones and only keep what is necessary and a few things for pleasure...but never again will this closet be a dumping ground for things of EXCESS. We have more than needed and that is ENOUGH. Once I finish this closet makeover I hope to continue to gain that clarity within the different areas of my life and to be okay with what I have.

My approach doesn't seem too challenging and really it isn't. It's in the realization of where our truth lays within us that is more difficult to uncover and accept.  It's all a process and we have to begin with asking ourselves the harder questions even if we uncover some truth in our shallow ways that society has helped us accrue.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Closed Minded "Rightness"

As I've begun to delve into the differences of faith, religion, ways of thinking, ways of living, etc. I'm a little perplexed how others react when I make a comment or suggestion of a new way of looking at a subject of mass belief. I am in no way suggesting anyone change or conform to what I'm suggesting. Just like a new "born again Christian" gets on their soap box about how great Jesus is and is revved up to spread the good news to others, I myself can appreciate a new way of viewing something and want to share what I've discovered.  I have a real appreciation for those that can think outside of the norm or what was taught to them by their parents or through family traditions. I identify more with that category of people than I do with others that are perfectly content in living a life and passing down a life that was presented to them as truth and the only way. I am a seeker. Whether others see my need to seek as a discovery of truth or a journey through satan's botanical garden, I will entertain almost anything that hasn't been accepted on a mass scale, especially if it fits right with my soul. I'm not saying that I accept anything new or controversial as my own, but I am open to the ideas that others follow or their belief in things that I'm unfamiliar with or haven't been exposed to. I guess my frustration just really comes from those that say they are accepting of others and yet will immediately put up a stop sign to anything that doesn't jive with their own beliefs. If we as a human race and as Christians can stand and confirm on a consistent basis that we are followers of Christ then why do we find it so hard to truly accept others. We spend more time condemning and dispelling what we believe to be false or satan's work to fight goodness instead of just coming from a loving and graceful standing. I honestly don't get it. Everyone wants to be right, but if that's made to be true-then who is left to be wrong. With rightness comes wrong. We don't get to ultimately decide that so why do we try to practice judgement here on earth. Perplexed! It seems as though people are afraid that they will be "convinced" of what they don't truly believe in. I say stand by your beliefs without judging others and always trying to prove them wrong. WWJD? I never get a good answer when I ask this.


Looking back on the cycle of self-abuse that has been a major part of my life, I remember the times when I had to acknowledge the truth of the lack of love that the father of my children had for me.  It was another reminder that I was once again dismissed. Being dismissed as a human being is probably one of the worst feelings imaginable.  I was always dismissed as a child or at least that's how I perceived my reality.  I had been in a relationship for around 9 or 10 years at the time and there I was with three children, trying to understand the disabilities of my oldest, not having any friends to release my feelings to, no family that I really trusted and the one person whom I gave my whole heart to, was never available.  This song summed it up for me, or at least was one of a few that really captured my emotions during that period of time. The sad truth is that I would visit this feeling and situation many times throughout the years that we were together. It's amazing to me that my capacity to love another person has always been greater than the capacity I had to love myself. I've learned much since those days, but I'm by nature a nurturer and my tendencies haven't changed much.  I no longer apologize for this as I once used to view it as a weakness. I've just had to learn to cope and set healthy boundaries so that I never have to completely lose myself in another. It's not an easy thing for me, but I'm still learning.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Triggers Pulled

Please bear with me as I unload.

I've been a little overwhelmed with the many thoughts in my head, the ever growing list of "to do's" for myself, my life, my family, etc. I'm trying to come to terms with all the nuts and bolts that are me. Over the past few weeks as I've again become familiar with some of the ideals and beliefs that I had as a child, I've also encountered some very serious traumatic triggers. I truly believed that I had dealt with the anger, the angst, the forgiveness, and the moving on from my childhood, however with these recent triggers I've been shown that I'm not as removed from the pains of my past as I once believed. My faith hasn't been rattled but rather it has been taken back to what I've felt was true for me in my beginnings as a child. I had many questions as a child on life and the whys, why nots, the hows and the how comes. Unfortunately, my curious little mind sort of came to a standstill when my abuse began.

As I've had some dejavu with the curious feelings of wonderment of the world and my creator lately, I've also had the dejavu of when my abuse started.  That was probably my second trigger recently.  My first trigger was when I joined an online group through facebook for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Initially I was a voice of inspiration and hope in our group. Then after the consistent reading of other's personal stories of abuse, it began to open up the vortex where I hid some memories. Some stories are more traumatic than I could ever imagine, but others are earily similar. The betrayal, the denial within, the mixed feelings of love and hate, the broken trust...those were all the same in basic form for each of us who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. My emotions became a little scattered.  I couldn't quite put descriptive words to them.  I've come a long way from that child and over the years have taken advantage of therapy and self healing so to be brought back to a place of overwhelmed emotions...well that threw me off balance.  I already deal with complexities in my life, but they are complexities that I've chosen.  The complexities of my past were chosen for me by those that were entrusted to care for me.

My third most recent trigger is the death of my step-uncle. I've recently reconnected to some step-cousins that I grew up with through facebook. I've missed them and their lives. When I moved away many years ago, I lost touch with most of them if not all of them.  I forgot how well we had gotten along.  In hearing the news from one of my cousins about our uncle's impending death, I became so saddened.  He was a good man and he was good to me. He was the only one who suspected something was going on when I was a child and had enough courage to ask me. He assured me that if I needed his help he would be there for me. In hearing the news of his failing health, I couldn't help but cry. It all hit me so fast. I missed him, I missed my cousins, I missed them as a family. They weren't the ones who abused me, but I shut them out in attempts to shut out my past and the painful memories that came with it. Then it just started to piss me off.  I am still pissed. I'm pissed because these are the people that I grew up with and shared my young life with and here I am unable to be a part of their lives now. I'm still trying to understand my place in their lives as it is today.  There is so much that needs to be said to them as a family and there is so much that is just a waste of time to explain. I've just decided to let the emotions run through me and to deal with it as it comes, but my desire to reconnect with them is strong. I can say that I am thankful for those that I do currently have contact with.  I am so very thankful for them to share in my life as it is now and I trust them with that. :)

Aside from this ton of bricks on my soul, I have not only begun to tackle my goal of learning about other religions but I've found some peace in what I'm uncovering. I've discovered a true connection with what I'm learning.  I'm enjoying this journey and I will reveal the nature of my truths as I walk it through these next few months, years, etc.