Come Back To Me

My dearest boy,
     I remember the day you were born. It was filled with so much uncertainty. I was so scared. My body wasn't prepared for you much less my life. Your delivery was filled with stress and in hindsight they should've taken you from my tiny 16 year old body instead of allowing you to receive some of the damage you did. Nevertheless you were perfect. You didn't give me much trouble in the beginning and thank goodness because I was new to this title of mother.
     As the years passed your symptoms became even more obvious than before, but no one could convince me of this as you were still perfect to me. When the symptoms persisted I had no choice but to begin a journey of medical treatment. You fought against it for over 10 years until as a teenager even you could no longer deny your "difference" from others. Finally you gave in to the next 2 years of treatment. We were beginning to get educated as a family and finally started to understand your vision of the world. But even after the next few years many things failed you including us as a family. The pure exhaustion took it's toll. The craziest thing is that if you had a visible illness such as leukemia or cancer, I wonder if we would've given in to that exhaustion or continue to persevere on your behalf. That is a question that will go unanswered as the time has already passed.
     Today you are in a position and age that I, as your mother, am limited in your care. I sit across from you and you are a mere shadow of the innocent, fun loving, talkative, naive and "fat boy" that we all knew you to be. Now your frame is frail and you sit empty in front of me. You are here physically but your mind has lost it's way. I wish I knew where you were. I wouldn't just wait on you, I'd come to you where you are in the forrest of your confusion and loneliness. When you feel the feather weight lightness of a subtle breeze or the rumble of extreme thunder, I pray that you feel my heartbeat. I pray that the ditches of darkness do not take a forever stronghold over you. I pray that I can reach you before you retreat. I pray that you see that glimmer of light within you and know that I too am there. Come back to me my dearest boy...come back to me. I am here, show me a way. I will not leave you. I am here. Come back to me. Your life is waiting for you to proclaim it. I do not fear what you will never be. I do not fear the views society places on one another towards you. I do not fear your perceived unsuccessfulness. I do not fear. I pray that you are filled with all the goodness and grace that creation has to offer in it's abundance. I love you, please don't leave us...we are here for you.

Come back my darling...loving you always, Mom!

   

My Buddy Rick Harralson

Oh what could I say that could describe this most awesome friend of mine. Not enough that's for sure. As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this past Friday, I'd seen a post made by one of my ex-coworkers and an amazing lady (Liz) that our friend Rick had passed away. I was immediately sadden. Nothing could stop the flow of tears. My princess gave me a hug and said "it's okay mommy don't cry".  I've known Rick since 2003 as we casually worked for the same company but in very different departments. Although I was not in the running for Hollywood's call, I would get asked from time to time to do some acting for clients. We did some work together on commercials (that never aired..haha) but he was always professional and polite.

In 2007 I had the opportunity to work with him in the same department. He was so excited that I was coming and he always made me feel special. I never understood what he saw in me since we didn't work side-by-side on a daily basis, but whatever it was, he was never afraid to let me know how talented and smart he thought I was. Now you see, I'm not naturally a "me, me, me" kind of person, but Rick somehow made it okay for me to appreciate my own strengths without feeling like I was boasting or being arrogant. It allowed me to recognize that I had things I could offer in life. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

As I was coming on board with the new position, Rick was returning as well from his leave of absence. He had been battling cancer and was on his way back to being healthy. His frame was small and frail, but his attitude and determination were large and full. I couldn't believe he was already back at work. We would talk about his recovery and when I shared my own health issues, he was very adamant about me seeing a doctor and getting on the proper meds for my esophagus. He had throat cancer and knew very well where my issues would lead me. So I heard him loud and clear and did as he had requested....plus each day he would ask if I had scheduled an appointment yet (haha-persistent guy).  I'm so glad I did. It saved me from allowing my own health to get away from me. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

Over the next two years we would work on various things together and we would share frustrations, laughs, family stories, coaching tales and whatever topic there was in that moment. He would either ask for help or show me a different way of doing a task. I loved sharing with him and he enjoyed sharing his knowledge as well. I was one of the first to see a "final cut" on a project and give input. He always wanted my input because he knew I wouldn't hold back..haha...plus I was nosey. He trusted me with that feedback. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

When there were times he or Tony (his partner in commercial crime) needed a voice over they would call me to the sound booth and we would do 100 takes. He was always patient. The laughter never ceased. I remember there was an occasion where he or Tony asked that I slow down my speed and I did so. It came out pretty seductive and he was like "Woooohhhh, now that's a voice...what kind of voice over are ya'll doing?".....WE LAUGHED SO HARD and he promised to help me become a 1-900 telephone operator since I told him it was one of my fantasy jobs...lol. Oh my gosh...that memory alone makes me smile to think of how much we couldn't get back on track that day. Our boss had no idea how much fun was going on in that sound proof room. Haha. I loved the laughs and for once again making me feel more than I felt for myself. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

I hated telling all of them bye when I left to a different company. I hated the sincere pain it left in my heart, but situations had changed with the company and there wasn't anything that any of us could do about it. I noticed that Rick was losing his zest for the company and how it was affecting him...but his treatment of me never changed. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

Awhile back I was informed that Rick's health had taken on another battle. That story is not up to me to share, but I will say I was afraid for him and scared that I wouldn't get a chance to share with him once again. I prayed (as many of us did) and he seemed to be healing. As time went on and as my own life took it's own course, I forgot about my buddy Rick and his struggles. It's not that I didn't think of him (because I did often), it's just that we get consumed in our own lives that we forget many times about the lives of others.

When I read Liz's post and as the tears came flowing down, I was so upset with myself for not keeping in contact. I beat myself up a little over this guilt and thought (as most of us do in situations like this)...I should have visited or called or SOMETHING! Now my opportunity is forever unfulfilled.....

But as I'm thinking this, my throat immediately starts burning and I KNEW....I knew it was Rick! In that moment I remembered all the things I mentioned in this post and then my heart began to heal those recent wounds of perceived loss. I realized that I didn't lose ANYTHING! In all the moments and in all the time that we shared...I had gained a forever friend. A friend with whom I shared some of the most silliest, respectful, uplifting, encouraging and unimportant memories....that have proven to be immeasurable in wealth. I realized that (after many other lessons in life have failed to completely teach me) that when we are given those moments with others....we shall serve ourselves and the other person to just be "in that moment" with them. Nothing further is EVER PROMISED...nothing further should EVER BE EXPECTED. Just that moment! It's all we have. Just that moment. So never let it pass you by...never let your own circumstances in life or attitude affect what could possibly be great in that moment. Thank you for that Rick! Thank you!

I love you my forever friend. Thank you for being a "good" part of my life and leaving a forever stamp of love on my soul! 

Making The Most of Moments

It's been a few weeks now and I've been busy with my every day life. There is nothing that is super special or even remotely exciting that would warrant a hiatus of non-posting except that I've just been spending time with my family. The moments shouldn't be exaggerated but they also shouldn't be down played. I love the time with my family. I won't sit here and pretend that every moment is joyful or worthy of praise, but nevertheless they are moments that I am building on and filing away in my memory drawer. I hope that these simple moments that I'm filing away are easily retrievable when the time comes that I no longer have the same dynamics in my home due to kids growing older, death, births, plans changing, living in a different space and just being in a different place in life altogether. I'm imagining lying in my bed as an elderly woman and still having the ability to reminisce even if my physical body isn't able to function in the manner that it does now. I want to be able to say that I took every advantage of the time that I had with my family. I cannot honestly say that I'm doing the best job, but I can say that I've recognized the need to do so and have acquired the desire to do so. It's really the only thing that matters. I do have to remind myself of this from time to time when I daze off in to my "fantasy world" where I'm dictating and controlling all parts of my life...haha...now that's definitely a fantasy.

Another truth to my hiatus is that I have been in constant agony of what I may possibly face in the future where there is an absence of my husband. There are many details that aren't important in this post, but his health is a constant concern. I've always felt like our time together was limited as we all should; just because that's the nature of life and of any relationship. Unfortunately, I've been plagued with this feeling since the beginning of our life together. I've felt the knowledge of the depth of this experience in life with him and also the limit in it's time. I won't elaborate now but it's most definitely one of the things my heart is struggling to fully accept. The fact that there may be a time that I will have to raise our children without his presence is a very sobering reality check. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that the only thing I can do is make the most of the time we have together. I cannot say for sure that his health will limit our future or if it may ironically be mine. Who really knows? In the end it doesn't matter because we could always get hit by a bus or get pneumonia and just like that it's over. Even with this perception I am doing my best to live each moment to it's fullest potential.

On another note, there is a mother's heartache for her boys that I'm trying to overcome. That's a different post.

Today's Reminder: Each moment is precious...take good notes, make the best decisions, leave nothing unsaid and take nothing for granted!

Exterminating The Excess

The house is almost silent. Im sitting on my bed staring into my half organized closet. I struggle with my own ADD (attention deficit disorder-undiagnosed, but I'm pretty darn sure)and I'm finding it a little challenging to stay on task. I'm sincerely trying to visualize what I'm going for with my closet makeover. I mean it's not like it's a major life event but then again the spaces in your environment do represent you and your overall spirit. More often than not I find myself in a cluttered world that I've created all on my own and desperately at some point trying to escape.  My mental/spiritual world is cluttered with thoughts, ideas, dreams, beliefs, etc and my home is cluttered with just stuff and even more stuff that I just dread going through. I've read so many books, columns, blogs, etc about how to "find a home" for your items so that there is no question on where something goes. Well that seems easy enough...but then again my ADD kicks in and it just becomes a challenge to keep up with. It's more the enthusiastic momentum that is a challenge to maintain. I don't always have the energy to put in an allotted 15 minutes for cleanup as suggested in all my reading material. I realize it's not much and I should be able to handle that, but I still find it difficult to muster up that energy to peel myself from my sitting space. I wouldn't dare even blame the energy excuse on my little ones because the truth is that I've always struggled with staying motivated. But as I'm coming into my own realization of how I would like my life to look and unfold in the future and to truly feel success that I must start somewhere. That somewhere for now in this moment lies with my closet.

The big question I'm asking myself is "What do you plan on gaining from this organized closet?". And quickly the answer is "simplicity". That is what I am aiming for in every facet of my life. I've made strides in other areas and that's the theme I want to permeate through my remaining days. So for this closet it must provide the organization where I can easily grab-n-go for a day's work, an outing, a quick change, etc. I forgot to mention that my closet also consists of the garments that belong to my midgets and they have taken over half the space and they are only 18 months and 2 1/2 years old. It's only going to get expanded over time...or will it? It's a good decently sized walk-in closet, but with basically 3 people sharing the space, it can be challenging to maintain a system.

I guess the next key question in all of this without going through this process step-by-step with you and bore you to tears would be "What is the most important thing to maintain in my life? Is it the simplicity that I claim I want or is it the standard of having things in excess to choose from?" I've done without a lot of things for the past 3-4 years and although at first it was an adjustment, I can honestly say that I've realized that I could care less about impressing others with what I have. So the answer would be to simplify to the bare bones and only keep what is necessary and a few things for pleasure...but never again will this closet be a dumping ground for things of EXCESS. We have more than needed and that is ENOUGH. Once I finish this closet makeover I hope to continue to gain that clarity within the different areas of my life and to be okay with what I have.

My approach doesn't seem too challenging and really it isn't. It's in the realization of where our truth lays within us that is more difficult to uncover and accept.  It's all a process and we have to begin with asking ourselves the harder questions even if we uncover some truth in our shallow ways that society has helped us accrue.

Closed Minded "Rightness"

As I've begun to delve into the differences of faith, religion, ways of thinking, ways of living, etc. I'm a little perplexed how others react when I make a comment or suggestion of a new way of looking at a subject of mass belief. I am in no way suggesting anyone change or conform to what I'm suggesting. Just like a new "born again Christian" gets on their soap box about how great Jesus is and is revved up to spread the good news to others, I myself can appreciate a new way of viewing something and want to share what I've discovered.  I have a real appreciation for those that can think outside of the norm or what was taught to them by their parents or through family traditions. I identify more with that category of people than I do with others that are perfectly content in living a life and passing down a life that was presented to them as truth and the only way. I am a seeker. Whether others see my need to seek as a discovery of truth or a journey through satan's botanical garden, I will entertain almost anything that hasn't been accepted on a mass scale, especially if it fits right with my soul. I'm not saying that I accept anything new or controversial as my own, but I am open to the ideas that others follow or their belief in things that I'm unfamiliar with or haven't been exposed to. I guess my frustration just really comes from those that say they are accepting of others and yet will immediately put up a stop sign to anything that doesn't jive with their own beliefs. If we as a human race and as Christians can stand and confirm on a consistent basis that we are followers of Christ then why do we find it so hard to truly accept others. We spend more time condemning and dispelling what we believe to be false or satan's work to fight goodness instead of just coming from a loving and graceful standing. I honestly don't get it. Everyone wants to be right, but if that's made to be true-then who is left to be wrong. With rightness comes wrong. We don't get to ultimately decide that so why do we try to practice judgement here on earth. Perplexed! It seems as though people are afraid that they will be "convinced" of what they don't truly believe in. I say stand by your beliefs without judging others and always trying to prove them wrong. WWJD? I never get a good answer when I ask this.

Dismissed

Looking back on the cycle of self-abuse that has been a major part of my life, I remember the times when I had to acknowledge the truth of the lack of love that the father of my children had for me.  It was another reminder that I was once again dismissed. Being dismissed as a human being is probably one of the worst feelings imaginable.  I was always dismissed as a child or at least that's how I perceived my reality.  I had been in a relationship for around 9 or 10 years at the time and there I was with three children, trying to understand the disabilities of my oldest, not having any friends to release my feelings to, no family that I really trusted and the one person whom I gave my whole heart to, was never available.  This song summed it up for me, or at least was one of a few that really captured my emotions during that period of time. The sad truth is that I would visit this feeling and situation many times throughout the years that we were together. It's amazing to me that my capacity to love another person has always been greater than the capacity I had to love myself. I've learned much since those days, but I'm by nature a nurturer and my tendencies haven't changed much.  I no longer apologize for this as I once used to view it as a weakness. I've just had to learn to cope and set healthy boundaries so that I never have to completely lose myself in another. It's not an easy thing for me, but I'm still learning.

Triggers Pulled

Please bear with me as I unload.

I've been a little overwhelmed with the many thoughts in my head, the ever growing list of "to do's" for myself, my life, my family, etc. I'm trying to come to terms with all the nuts and bolts that are me. Over the past few weeks as I've again become familiar with some of the ideals and beliefs that I had as a child, I've also encountered some very serious traumatic triggers. I truly believed that I had dealt with the anger, the angst, the forgiveness, and the moving on from my childhood, however with these recent triggers I've been shown that I'm not as removed from the pains of my past as I once believed. My faith hasn't been rattled but rather it has been taken back to what I've felt was true for me in my beginnings as a child. I had many questions as a child on life and the whys, why nots, the hows and the how comes. Unfortunately, my curious little mind sort of came to a standstill when my abuse began.

As I've had some dejavu with the curious feelings of wonderment of the world and my creator lately, I've also had the dejavu of when my abuse started.  That was probably my second trigger recently.  My first trigger was when I joined an online group through facebook for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Initially I was a voice of inspiration and hope in our group. Then after the consistent reading of other's personal stories of abuse, it began to open up the vortex where I hid some memories. Some stories are more traumatic than I could ever imagine, but others are earily similar. The betrayal, the denial within, the mixed feelings of love and hate, the broken trust...those were all the same in basic form for each of us who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. My emotions became a little scattered.  I couldn't quite put descriptive words to them.  I've come a long way from that child and over the years have taken advantage of therapy and self healing so to be brought back to a place of overwhelmed emotions...well that threw me off balance.  I already deal with complexities in my life, but they are complexities that I've chosen.  The complexities of my past were chosen for me by those that were entrusted to care for me.

My third most recent trigger is the death of my step-uncle. I've recently reconnected to some step-cousins that I grew up with through facebook. I've missed them and their lives. When I moved away many years ago, I lost touch with most of them if not all of them.  I forgot how well we had gotten along.  In hearing the news from one of my cousins about our uncle's impending death, I became so saddened.  He was a good man and he was good to me. He was the only one who suspected something was going on when I was a child and had enough courage to ask me. He assured me that if I needed his help he would be there for me. In hearing the news of his failing health, I couldn't help but cry. It all hit me so fast. I missed him, I missed my cousins, I missed them as a family. They weren't the ones who abused me, but I shut them out in attempts to shut out my past and the painful memories that came with it. Then it just started to piss me off.  I am still pissed. I'm pissed because these are the people that I grew up with and shared my young life with and here I am unable to be a part of their lives now. I'm still trying to understand my place in their lives as it is today.  There is so much that needs to be said to them as a family and there is so much that is just a waste of time to explain. I've just decided to let the emotions run through me and to deal with it as it comes, but my desire to reconnect with them is strong. I can say that I am thankful for those that I do currently have contact with.  I am so very thankful for them to share in my life as it is now and I trust them with that. :)

Aside from this ton of bricks on my soul, I have not only begun to tackle my goal of learning about other religions but I've found some peace in what I'm uncovering. I've discovered a true connection with what I'm learning.  I'm enjoying this journey and I will reveal the nature of my truths as I walk it through these next few months, years, etc.

Tic-Toc-Tic-Toc Time Won't Stand Still

Once again it's been a whole 7 days since I've last written. Writing once a week wasn't part of my plan for this blog, but currently that is my pace.  It seems with all the things going on in my life there just isn't enough time to do it all.  I know this first hand and have known for quite some time, but I never fail to disappoint myself in believing that I can achieve much more than I actually plan for. It's like a never ending battle with myself.  I'm sure many of you have felt this way.  The truth is that although I didn't set any "resolutions" for 2014, I did promise myself that I would have a new outlook and standard way of managing my life.

One of my "to do's" was to get rid of clutter (physical and spiritual clutter) so that I can have a clearer vision to work with so that I may follow my true passion of writing and creating.  I realize that making a list of "to do's" can actually overwhelm and create more work, but I hoped to use it as a guide instead of as a "must do" list. But here we are...haha. The truth is that I need to actually manage my time better...bottom line...point blank.

So with all this at the forefront of my mind, I'm utilizing a few "here and there's" from others and working with the various techniques to come up with my own. I will begin adding the websites for those that I find useful. I promise to update more.

Playing Catch-Up

It's been a crazy week and I feel like I've had so much to say but no time to say it. That's just the story of my life though.  I must admit that this blog is becoming very therapeutic and an outlet of the small nerd that lives within, so I'm a little upset with myself that I didn't do a good job this past week of post. I'm not going to harp on it too much except that I need to just get better at planning out my days in general.  

Aside from the regular duties of my day job and night mommy responsibilities, I've actually been a little bad and started shopping again through my online garage sales. LOL. Yes I can easily become an addict.  I guess it's the thrill of a bargain as well as being able to sell a few items myself.  I did make an agreement with the frugal ambitious part of me, that I would only buy as much as I could sell. In essence I wouldn't actually be spending any money, however, that really hasn't worked out that way this past week...haha. But we are striving for that to be the normal process of my "online shopping". I can at least say that I am diligent in tracking my spending and earnings, so in time maybe I will be able to give a positive report of what I've saved and/or earned. Baby steps!!

Thief of What Should Have Been

It wasn't created for him
It was hers
It wasn't his to have
It was hers
It wasn't his to mold
It was hers
It wasn't his to feed
It was hers
It wasn't his to own
It was hers
It wasn't his to take
It was hers

Still he took it 

He took it without permission
He took it without love
He took it without looking back
He took it without caring about the consequences

He took it with the audacity of a thief

She didn't know then, that it was created in perfect harmony for her
She didn't know then, that it was for her to have and hold
She didn't know then, that it was meant to be molded with time and love
She didn't know then, that it should be fed with care and grace
She didn't know then, that it wasn't for someone else to take

She didn't know THEN - She knows NOW!

It fails to matter
It fails to weap
It fails to complain
It fails to try and retrieve it

It is forever gone in it's original form

She is learning to create a new one, a new one with what should have been
She is learning to let go of what was once meant to be
She is left with partial pieces, but it's okay
She is older now and understands

That the INNOCENCE of a child may have been taken by a thief, but the PERSEVERANCE of a woman is hers to forever keep.

Color My World Pootie

It's been a couple of weeks since Christmas and the decorations on houses are still visible. For a few seconds I thought to myself how unfortunate it is that we don't have that obvious "in the spirit" look year round. I picked up the diaper duo from the sitter and as I turned the corner E.K. says "pootie lights momma, pootie lights". She is ecstatic with excitement. She absolutely loves Christmas lights!  I realize in that moment that the truth is that she loves the sparkle and the colors. It's such a simple pleasure and true joy. I can remember as a child the excitement I felt over crayons and the ability to color something. In elementary school we were usually given blank color pages and we got to decide what colors to use, whether we stayed inside the lines, go wildly outside of them or to pad them with thicker colored lines. Wow, what a concept! We can choose the "color" of the world we live in. As a child all you wanted was that ability to choose your own colors...or at least I did.  The funny thing is that I also remember there was always that one kid who seemed out of place from time to time or was constantly agitated (normally a boy in my experience) that would scribble all over his pages with one or two dark colors. I could give you my opinions on that now looking back, but that will have to wait for another post. :)  It quickly saddens me though to think that as adults we've lost the desire to color our worlds with the energy of an optimistic child. Have the experiences of life taken our ability to see the possibilities of the color choices? The colors are there, but maybe we have gotten comfortable with a certain picture that has been painted for us by others of how our lives should and currently do look.  It's only through our awareness that the ability to choose still resides within us that we can be true to ourselves.  I want to color my world with the "pootie" lights, so when my daughter looks at me she can see the sparkle and feel her own joy.  I pray my children never cease to see their color choices.Wishing you the peace and pleasure of choosing your true colors...

I Will Serve, My First Covenant

I have a very unusual relationship with my higher power.  It's been one of suspicion, doubt, conformity and fear. Those that have had the pleasure of my opinions over time about religion may even feel like I don't have a relationship with God. Truth be told I have a solid one.  I just don't have any faith or concern with religion as it's proven to not only build but destroy the goodness within each of us and with each other.  I wish I had the desire to be in a church daily, weekly or whatever others choose - to learn and feel the love, but quite honestly I do that already.  At any moment in time and in any place I can stop, breath deeply, hold my thoughts honestly,with much vulnerability and reach out to God.  He is always there. It's not that I don't go to church, I'm just not a routine visitor that has to check it off my list and know that I was a good student that week.  I attempt to do that daily with my interactions with myself and others.  I go when I feel it in my heart to go and if  that is where I am called in that moment.  I made a covenant with God many years ago and I do my best to keep my end of the deal.

I was 23 years old, living in Dallas with a few friends.  I was nine months pregnant with my third child.  I had recently left their dad because I had found out he was cheating. I sent my two kids back to Waco to stay with my oldest brother and mother for a few weeks until the baby was born.  I had never been without my kids before, but at this point there wasn't much of an option. Their dad stayed home and took care of them after school since he had lost his job from partying too much and calling in. My job was my only security and I couldn't risk losing it, especially with a baby coming.  I've always prided myself in my work and keeping financially stable for my family.  I wasn't going to let his lack of discretion ruin our lives so I made the choice to send them.  It hurt me in ways that I cannot explain.  I felt like a failure, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I was back on my feet.  

The day came when I didn't feel so good and had one of my roommates take me to the hospital because "It Was Time". I was so nervous because I didn't want to do this alone. He promised he would be there,but the anxiety of not knowing crept in like cigarette smoke. I paged him. He showed up. He actually showed up! He was being a jerk and acted like it was bothering him and taking up his time, but he was there. Thank goodness! I was already hooked up and ready to go. The doctor comes in and we begin the process. 

Push..push.... 
Hold... 
Breath....
Push...push...
again and again

The doctor is maneuvering things around, nurses pushing on my stomach, I'm uncomfortable and in pain. Repeat it all again. Panic talk is starting to swirl.

Heads out!
The cord is around his neck
I can't get it off
I need to cut it
I can't get it off without cutting him
Cut it
Cut here
Cut it
Cut it now!

I don't know what to do...I can't do anything. My ex gives me a funny stare and then suddenly the doctor looked at me, looked at my ex and with all the seriousness of the world, grabbed my hand and said "Gina, I need you to try your hardest, look at me, push as hard as you can. His head is out, I cut the cord around his neck off, but if you don't push I will have to break his shoulders or we will lose him!" 

WHAT?!!

I want to cry...I can't! I want to scream...I can't! I am panicked.....oh my goodness... no...no....no!!!!! I can't lose this baby!!! This is my son....I can't lose him before I've even met him! NO!!! 

All the memories of the fights we've had since I found out I was pregnant come rushing through my mind at full speed. This pregnancy wasn't planned. It happened while we were OFF in our Off/On relationship. I thought I had the flu and instead found out I was 3 months pregnant. No I didn't plan on being pregnant, but it was not a devastation. It was just complicated now. Three kids and a b/s relationship is not what I wanted for my life. During one of our fights I remember the both of us making comments about the baby dying inside me. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever said about my own child.  It was said out of complete anger and hatred, thinking it would hurt each other-instead it set the stage for our reality that we were now faced with. Tears are rushing down my face.  Those instant memories cut like a jagged knife in that moment. I felt the punishment.  I felt God's voice letting me know that I am never in charge...he is and that if I was going to say things so vile that he has the ultimate power to oblige me. I was defeated. Yes, you are in charge!!! I prayed within as I pushed and just asked God to forgive me and please deliver my baby boy. In that very moment my baby boy Brian managed to slip through, but he was completely blue and purple. The entire staff of nurses and doctors were in the room trying to resuscitate him. Once they got him breathing they flashed him to me for a quick glance and left with him.  I wasn't allowed to see him until the next day.  

My ex mother-in-law showed up the next morning. My ex wasn't there. He decided to leave the hospital and go "celebrate" his son's birth by going out with friends. My feelings were so hurt.  I was alone in Dallas without my family, my roommate had her own child to tend to and here I am with a mother-in-law that I didn't always see eye-to-eye with. They finally bring my little miracle and she got to hold him and smell his sweetness from heaven. It was her first grandson. When the doctor came in to check on me and take him back to the nursery, I asked when I could go home.  She stated that they needed to test him for brain damage first. STOP!!!! What do you mean? I'm so confused...he is okay right? No. She informed us that we were not out of the woods and that his delivery came with a lot of unanswered questions including brain damage. I couldn't believe it. I'm so confused now. I thought he was okay??!!!!! I cried, she cried, we cried and cried and cried!!!! As much as I cringed when my mother-in-law would try to pray about everything, I welcomed it now! 

Dear God-I hear you, I feel you, I understand....I am not in charge. I have a duty as one of your children to live the best life that I was intended to live...but only through you and nothing else.  I understand I can no longer be selfish in my thinking, in my actions, in my negative thoughts, in my negative behavior towards others. It does not and will never matter how others treat me-even those that I love greatly and feel that I should receive that equivalent respect. It only matters in how I treat them and how I serve you in the process!!! That is all that will ever matter. I understand dear Lord. I understand! I promise to live a life that is of service to you and if it is your will that my son live a life with disabilities then I will accept that responsibility and love him without complaint.  

This was my first covenant and I have recently been reminded of it. I am happy to report that my son passed all his test with flying colors and there was not even a small inkling of damage.

My promise heard, forgiveness given and responsibility being fulfilled...

My Inspiration... Meet Zach Sobiech

For the past few weeks/months I have just been living in silence trying to figure out the direction of my life. So much has been going on and during these days of silent contemplation I came across a story line and then after some digging around I discovered this video about Zach and his story.  I haven't been the usual procrastinator that I am since. I encourage you to take some time and watch the video.  It's about 22 minutes of your life that will be well spent.  I smiled, I cried as if I knew him personally. I felt ashamed! Ashamed that I don't spend my time more wisely and with more appreciation and passion. I've learned so much in my life about living your life to the fullest, blah, blah, blah...but nothing has really gotten me out of my routine as this did.  So to Mr. Zach Sobiech....I thank you sir. From the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul and into the universe that is awaiting me to fulfill my destiny....I THANKYOU!  

Writing It Down...

Every year most of us begin to make unrealistic goals or have dreams of what we want to change or start doing going forward. I am no different.  After meeting with my supervisor about my professional goals for 2014, I started thinking to myself  "Why don't I prepare goals for my personal life with the same respect and determination?".  Why don't I write them down with specific ways of how I plan on achieving them? Maybe because I've been afraid of not doing what I set out to do, but who says you can't change them throughout the year.  We do at work all the time depending on the different projects, software upgrades, programs, etc that come up....so why not allow myself the flexibility of changing? I think the important thing is that you start somewhere.  My mind wanders in so many different directions constantly that it would do me a great service to have something concrete to refer to from time to time.  I am learning to not identify who I am with what I achieve or don't achieve.  I am looking at it from a different angle than I did before. It's a tool and not a gauge of my success or greatness! So I have started a "Goals" list that I will adjust as the days move ahead.  This list isn't in any true format or step-by-step...it's just an idea list, how to, maybe's, etc.  This in itself has excited me and ignited a fire under my arse that is well over due. Please note that this list isn't sophisticated by any means. It's a very simplistic list. My overall goal for my future is simplicity and although most of these items you may feel (as do I) that I should be doing already, the truth is that I don't do a very good job of doing even the simplest of things in my life.  I always find an excuse so I have started with the basics and will build from there as time allows.