Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Triggers Pulled

Please bear with me as I unload.

I've been a little overwhelmed with the many thoughts in my head, the ever growing list of "to do's" for myself, my life, my family, etc. I'm trying to come to terms with all the nuts and bolts that are me. Over the past few weeks as I've again become familiar with some of the ideals and beliefs that I had as a child, I've also encountered some very serious traumatic triggers. I truly believed that I had dealt with the anger, the angst, the forgiveness, and the moving on from my childhood, however with these recent triggers I've been shown that I'm not as removed from the pains of my past as I once believed. My faith hasn't been rattled but rather it has been taken back to what I've felt was true for me in my beginnings as a child. I had many questions as a child on life and the whys, why nots, the hows and the how comes. Unfortunately, my curious little mind sort of came to a standstill when my abuse began.

As I've had some dejavu with the curious feelings of wonderment of the world and my creator lately, I've also had the dejavu of when my abuse started.  That was probably my second trigger recently.  My first trigger was when I joined an online group through facebook for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Initially I was a voice of inspiration and hope in our group. Then after the consistent reading of other's personal stories of abuse, it began to open up the vortex where I hid some memories. Some stories are more traumatic than I could ever imagine, but others are earily similar. The betrayal, the denial within, the mixed feelings of love and hate, the broken trust...those were all the same in basic form for each of us who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. My emotions became a little scattered.  I couldn't quite put descriptive words to them.  I've come a long way from that child and over the years have taken advantage of therapy and self healing so to be brought back to a place of overwhelmed emotions...well that threw me off balance.  I already deal with complexities in my life, but they are complexities that I've chosen.  The complexities of my past were chosen for me by those that were entrusted to care for me.

My third most recent trigger is the death of my step-uncle. I've recently reconnected to some step-cousins that I grew up with through facebook. I've missed them and their lives. When I moved away many years ago, I lost touch with most of them if not all of them.  I forgot how well we had gotten along.  In hearing the news from one of my cousins about our uncle's impending death, I became so saddened.  He was a good man and he was good to me. He was the only one who suspected something was going on when I was a child and had enough courage to ask me. He assured me that if I needed his help he would be there for me. In hearing the news of his failing health, I couldn't help but cry. It all hit me so fast. I missed him, I missed my cousins, I missed them as a family. They weren't the ones who abused me, but I shut them out in attempts to shut out my past and the painful memories that came with it. Then it just started to piss me off.  I am still pissed. I'm pissed because these are the people that I grew up with and shared my young life with and here I am unable to be a part of their lives now. I'm still trying to understand my place in their lives as it is today.  There is so much that needs to be said to them as a family and there is so much that is just a waste of time to explain. I've just decided to let the emotions run through me and to deal with it as it comes, but my desire to reconnect with them is strong. I can say that I am thankful for those that I do currently have contact with.  I am so very thankful for them to share in my life as it is now and I trust them with that. :)

Aside from this ton of bricks on my soul, I have not only begun to tackle my goal of learning about other religions but I've found some peace in what I'm uncovering. I've discovered a true connection with what I'm learning.  I'm enjoying this journey and I will reveal the nature of my truths as I walk it through these next few months, years, etc.

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