Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Looking back on the cycle of self-abuse that has been a major part of my life, I remember the times when I had to acknowledge the truth of the lack of love that the father of my children had for me. It was another reminder that I was once again dismissed. Being dismissed as a human being is probably one of the worst feelings imaginable. I was always dismissed as a child or at least that's how I perceived my reality. I had been in a relationship for around 9 or 10 years at the time and there I was with three children, trying to understand the disabilities of my oldest, not having any friends to release my feelings to, no family that I really trusted and the one person whom I gave my whole heart to, was never available. This song summed it up for me, or at least was one of a few that really captured my emotions during that period of time. The sad truth is that I would visit this feeling and situation many times throughout the years that we were together. It's amazing to me that my capacity to love another person has always been greater than the capacity I had to love myself. I've learned much since those days, but I'm by nature a nurturer and my tendencies haven't changed much. I no longer apologize for this as I once used to view it as a weakness. I've just had to learn to cope and set healthy boundaries so that I never have to completely lose myself in another. It's not an easy thing for me, but I'm still learning.