Tic-Toc-Tic-Toc Time Won't Stand Still

Once again it's been a whole 7 days since I've last written. Writing once a week wasn't part of my plan for this blog, but currently that is my pace.  It seems with all the things going on in my life there just isn't enough time to do it all.  I know this first hand and have known for quite some time, but I never fail to disappoint myself in believing that I can achieve much more than I actually plan for. It's like a never ending battle with myself.  I'm sure many of you have felt this way.  The truth is that although I didn't set any "resolutions" for 2014, I did promise myself that I would have a new outlook and standard way of managing my life.

One of my "to do's" was to get rid of clutter (physical and spiritual clutter) so that I can have a clearer vision to work with so that I may follow my true passion of writing and creating.  I realize that making a list of "to do's" can actually overwhelm and create more work, but I hoped to use it as a guide instead of as a "must do" list. But here we are...haha. The truth is that I need to actually manage my time better...bottom line...point blank.

So with all this at the forefront of my mind, I'm utilizing a few "here and there's" from others and working with the various techniques to come up with my own. I will begin adding the websites for those that I find useful. I promise to update more.

Playing Catch-Up

It's been a crazy week and I feel like I've had so much to say but no time to say it. That's just the story of my life though.  I must admit that this blog is becoming very therapeutic and an outlet of the small nerd that lives within, so I'm a little upset with myself that I didn't do a good job this past week of post. I'm not going to harp on it too much except that I need to just get better at planning out my days in general.  

Aside from the regular duties of my day job and night mommy responsibilities, I've actually been a little bad and started shopping again through my online garage sales. LOL. Yes I can easily become an addict.  I guess it's the thrill of a bargain as well as being able to sell a few items myself.  I did make an agreement with the frugal ambitious part of me, that I would only buy as much as I could sell. In essence I wouldn't actually be spending any money, however, that really hasn't worked out that way this past week...haha. But we are striving for that to be the normal process of my "online shopping". I can at least say that I am diligent in tracking my spending and earnings, so in time maybe I will be able to give a positive report of what I've saved and/or earned. Baby steps!!

Thief of What Should Have Been

It wasn't created for him
It was hers
It wasn't his to have
It was hers
It wasn't his to mold
It was hers
It wasn't his to feed
It was hers
It wasn't his to own
It was hers
It wasn't his to take
It was hers

Still he took it 

He took it without permission
He took it without love
He took it without looking back
He took it without caring about the consequences

He took it with the audacity of a thief

She didn't know then, that it was created in perfect harmony for her
She didn't know then, that it was for her to have and hold
She didn't know then, that it was meant to be molded with time and love
She didn't know then, that it should be fed with care and grace
She didn't know then, that it wasn't for someone else to take

She didn't know THEN - She knows NOW!

It fails to matter
It fails to weap
It fails to complain
It fails to try and retrieve it

It is forever gone in it's original form

She is learning to create a new one, a new one with what should have been
She is learning to let go of what was once meant to be
She is left with partial pieces, but it's okay
She is older now and understands

That the INNOCENCE of a child may have been taken by a thief, but the PERSEVERANCE of a woman is hers to forever keep.

Color My World Pootie

It's been a couple of weeks since Christmas and the decorations on houses are still visible. For a few seconds I thought to myself how unfortunate it is that we don't have that obvious "in the spirit" look year round. I picked up the diaper duo from the sitter and as I turned the corner E.K. says "pootie lights momma, pootie lights". She is ecstatic with excitement. She absolutely loves Christmas lights!  I realize in that moment that the truth is that she loves the sparkle and the colors. It's such a simple pleasure and true joy. I can remember as a child the excitement I felt over crayons and the ability to color something. In elementary school we were usually given blank color pages and we got to decide what colors to use, whether we stayed inside the lines, go wildly outside of them or to pad them with thicker colored lines. Wow, what a concept! We can choose the "color" of the world we live in. As a child all you wanted was that ability to choose your own colors...or at least I did.  The funny thing is that I also remember there was always that one kid who seemed out of place from time to time or was constantly agitated (normally a boy in my experience) that would scribble all over his pages with one or two dark colors. I could give you my opinions on that now looking back, but that will have to wait for another post. :)  It quickly saddens me though to think that as adults we've lost the desire to color our worlds with the energy of an optimistic child. Have the experiences of life taken our ability to see the possibilities of the color choices? The colors are there, but maybe we have gotten comfortable with a certain picture that has been painted for us by others of how our lives should and currently do look.  It's only through our awareness that the ability to choose still resides within us that we can be true to ourselves.  I want to color my world with the "pootie" lights, so when my daughter looks at me she can see the sparkle and feel her own joy.  I pray my children never cease to see their color choices.Wishing you the peace and pleasure of choosing your true colors...

I Will Serve, My First Covenant

I have a very unusual relationship with my higher power.  It's been one of suspicion, doubt, conformity and fear. Those that have had the pleasure of my opinions over time about religion may even feel like I don't have a relationship with God. Truth be told I have a solid one.  I just don't have any faith or concern with religion as it's proven to not only build but destroy the goodness within each of us and with each other.  I wish I had the desire to be in a church daily, weekly or whatever others choose - to learn and feel the love, but quite honestly I do that already.  At any moment in time and in any place I can stop, breath deeply, hold my thoughts honestly,with much vulnerability and reach out to God.  He is always there. It's not that I don't go to church, I'm just not a routine visitor that has to check it off my list and know that I was a good student that week.  I attempt to do that daily with my interactions with myself and others.  I go when I feel it in my heart to go and if  that is where I am called in that moment.  I made a covenant with God many years ago and I do my best to keep my end of the deal.

I was 23 years old, living in Dallas with a few friends.  I was nine months pregnant with my third child.  I had recently left their dad because I had found out he was cheating. I sent my two kids back to Waco to stay with my oldest brother and mother for a few weeks until the baby was born.  I had never been without my kids before, but at this point there wasn't much of an option. Their dad stayed home and took care of them after school since he had lost his job from partying too much and calling in. My job was my only security and I couldn't risk losing it, especially with a baby coming.  I've always prided myself in my work and keeping financially stable for my family.  I wasn't going to let his lack of discretion ruin our lives so I made the choice to send them.  It hurt me in ways that I cannot explain.  I felt like a failure, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I was back on my feet.  

The day came when I didn't feel so good and had one of my roommates take me to the hospital because "It Was Time". I was so nervous because I didn't want to do this alone. He promised he would be there,but the anxiety of not knowing crept in like cigarette smoke. I paged him. He showed up. He actually showed up! He was being a jerk and acted like it was bothering him and taking up his time, but he was there. Thank goodness! I was already hooked up and ready to go. The doctor comes in and we begin the process. 

Push..push.... 
Hold... 
Breath....
Push...push...
again and again

The doctor is maneuvering things around, nurses pushing on my stomach, I'm uncomfortable and in pain. Repeat it all again. Panic talk is starting to swirl.

Heads out!
The cord is around his neck
I can't get it off
I need to cut it
I can't get it off without cutting him
Cut it
Cut here
Cut it
Cut it now!

I don't know what to do...I can't do anything. My ex gives me a funny stare and then suddenly the doctor looked at me, looked at my ex and with all the seriousness of the world, grabbed my hand and said "Gina, I need you to try your hardest, look at me, push as hard as you can. His head is out, I cut the cord around his neck off, but if you don't push I will have to break his shoulders or we will lose him!" 

WHAT?!!

I want to cry...I can't! I want to scream...I can't! I am panicked.....oh my goodness... no...no....no!!!!! I can't lose this baby!!! This is my son....I can't lose him before I've even met him! NO!!! 

All the memories of the fights we've had since I found out I was pregnant come rushing through my mind at full speed. This pregnancy wasn't planned. It happened while we were OFF in our Off/On relationship. I thought I had the flu and instead found out I was 3 months pregnant. No I didn't plan on being pregnant, but it was not a devastation. It was just complicated now. Three kids and a b/s relationship is not what I wanted for my life. During one of our fights I remember the both of us making comments about the baby dying inside me. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever said about my own child.  It was said out of complete anger and hatred, thinking it would hurt each other-instead it set the stage for our reality that we were now faced with. Tears are rushing down my face.  Those instant memories cut like a jagged knife in that moment. I felt the punishment.  I felt God's voice letting me know that I am never in charge...he is and that if I was going to say things so vile that he has the ultimate power to oblige me. I was defeated. Yes, you are in charge!!! I prayed within as I pushed and just asked God to forgive me and please deliver my baby boy. In that very moment my baby boy Brian managed to slip through, but he was completely blue and purple. The entire staff of nurses and doctors were in the room trying to resuscitate him. Once they got him breathing they flashed him to me for a quick glance and left with him.  I wasn't allowed to see him until the next day.  

My ex mother-in-law showed up the next morning. My ex wasn't there. He decided to leave the hospital and go "celebrate" his son's birth by going out with friends. My feelings were so hurt.  I was alone in Dallas without my family, my roommate had her own child to tend to and here I am with a mother-in-law that I didn't always see eye-to-eye with. They finally bring my little miracle and she got to hold him and smell his sweetness from heaven. It was her first grandson. When the doctor came in to check on me and take him back to the nursery, I asked when I could go home.  She stated that they needed to test him for brain damage first. STOP!!!! What do you mean? I'm so confused...he is okay right? No. She informed us that we were not out of the woods and that his delivery came with a lot of unanswered questions including brain damage. I couldn't believe it. I'm so confused now. I thought he was okay??!!!!! I cried, she cried, we cried and cried and cried!!!! As much as I cringed when my mother-in-law would try to pray about everything, I welcomed it now! 

Dear God-I hear you, I feel you, I understand....I am not in charge. I have a duty as one of your children to live the best life that I was intended to live...but only through you and nothing else.  I understand I can no longer be selfish in my thinking, in my actions, in my negative thoughts, in my negative behavior towards others. It does not and will never matter how others treat me-even those that I love greatly and feel that I should receive that equivalent respect. It only matters in how I treat them and how I serve you in the process!!! That is all that will ever matter. I understand dear Lord. I understand! I promise to live a life that is of service to you and if it is your will that my son live a life with disabilities then I will accept that responsibility and love him without complaint.  

This was my first covenant and I have recently been reminded of it. I am happy to report that my son passed all his test with flying colors and there was not even a small inkling of damage.

My promise heard, forgiveness given and responsibility being fulfilled...

My Inspiration... Meet Zach Sobiech

For the past few weeks/months I have just been living in silence trying to figure out the direction of my life. So much has been going on and during these days of silent contemplation I came across a story line and then after some digging around I discovered this video about Zach and his story.  I haven't been the usual procrastinator that I am since. I encourage you to take some time and watch the video.  It's about 22 minutes of your life that will be well spent.  I smiled, I cried as if I knew him personally. I felt ashamed! Ashamed that I don't spend my time more wisely and with more appreciation and passion. I've learned so much in my life about living your life to the fullest, blah, blah, blah...but nothing has really gotten me out of my routine as this did.  So to Mr. Zach Sobiech....I thank you sir. From the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul and into the universe that is awaiting me to fulfill my destiny....I THANKYOU!  

Writing It Down...

Every year most of us begin to make unrealistic goals or have dreams of what we want to change or start doing going forward. I am no different.  After meeting with my supervisor about my professional goals for 2014, I started thinking to myself  "Why don't I prepare goals for my personal life with the same respect and determination?".  Why don't I write them down with specific ways of how I plan on achieving them? Maybe because I've been afraid of not doing what I set out to do, but who says you can't change them throughout the year.  We do at work all the time depending on the different projects, software upgrades, programs, etc that come up....so why not allow myself the flexibility of changing? I think the important thing is that you start somewhere.  My mind wanders in so many different directions constantly that it would do me a great service to have something concrete to refer to from time to time.  I am learning to not identify who I am with what I achieve or don't achieve.  I am looking at it from a different angle than I did before. It's a tool and not a gauge of my success or greatness! So I have started a "Goals" list that I will adjust as the days move ahead.  This list isn't in any true format or step-by-step...it's just an idea list, how to, maybe's, etc.  This in itself has excited me and ignited a fire under my arse that is well over due. Please note that this list isn't sophisticated by any means. It's a very simplistic list. My overall goal for my future is simplicity and although most of these items you may feel (as do I) that I should be doing already, the truth is that I don't do a very good job of doing even the simplest of things in my life.  I always find an excuse so I have started with the basics and will build from there as time allows.