Saturday, December 13, 2014

Come Back To Me

My dearest boy,
     I remember the day you were born. It was filled with so much uncertainty. I was so scared. My body wasn't prepared for you much less my life. Your delivery was filled with stress and in hindsight they should've taken you from my tiny 16 year old body instead of allowing you to receive some of the damage you did. Nevertheless you were perfect. You didn't give me much trouble in the beginning and thank goodness because I was new to this title of mother.
     As the years passed your symptoms became even more obvious than before, but no one could convince me of this as you were still perfect to me. When the symptoms persisted I had no choice but to begin a journey of medical treatment. You fought against it for over 10 years until as a teenager even you could no longer deny your "difference" from others. Finally you gave in to the next 2 years of treatment. We were beginning to get educated as a family and finally started to understand your vision of the world. But even after the next few years many things failed you including us as a family. The pure exhaustion took it's toll. The craziest thing is that if you had a visible illness such as leukemia or cancer, I wonder if we would've given in to that exhaustion or continue to persevere on your behalf. That is a question that will go unanswered as the time has already passed.
     Today you are in a position and age that I, as your mother, am limited in your care. I sit across from you and you are a mere shadow of the innocent, fun loving, talkative, naive and "fat boy" that we all knew you to be. Now your frame is frail and you sit empty in front of me. You are here physically but your mind has lost it's way. I wish I knew where you were. I wouldn't just wait on you, I'd come to you where you are in the forrest of your confusion and loneliness. When you feel the feather weight lightness of a subtle breeze or the rumble of extreme thunder, I pray that you feel my heartbeat. I pray that the ditches of darkness do not take a forever stronghold over you. I pray that I can reach you before you retreat. I pray that you see that glimmer of light within you and know that I too am there. Come back to me my dearest boy...come back to me. I am here, show me a way. I will not leave you. I am here. Come back to me. Your life is waiting for you to proclaim it. I do not fear what you will never be. I do not fear the views society places on one another towards you. I do not fear your perceived unsuccessfulness. I do not fear. I pray that you are filled with all the goodness and grace that creation has to offer in it's abundance. I love you, please don't leave us...we are here for you.

Come back my darling...loving you always, Mom!


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